2010-06-13
crazy anxiety
tonight it hit me, and i am not sure why. it may have been because of phil visiting. phil, my friend from SF who lives in LA now. he is taking a class in Irving and didn't want to stay there for the weekend. we had fun. i always liked hanging with phil. we like the same music. we have things to talk about. but he reminds me of my old life. my patrick life. and that scares me. weird emotion, huh? i guess part of what scares me is that i may never have that security again. even though patrick and i ended up divorcing, i still had a sense of security when i was with him. one i don't have now. and maybe it is just a mental thing. maybe THIS is what i should work on with my therapist. andreas doesn't believe in marriage. he has said that if it important to me, that he would do it. but that doesn't really work. and if he doesn't believe in it, i don't blame him. both my parental and personal marital experiences haven't been that great. and yet...yet....i still miss the feeling, the one when they say 'until death do us part' that they will be there to back me up. even if it isn't true for ever and ever. living in it, it helps. mind you, different people have different relationships, so they may feel it differently. i suppose, before things suddenly got much better (after patrick said he was done) i might not have been left with this feeling. but i did have hope then. and i don't have hope now. andreas has been working really hard. i totally see that. but we aren't at a place where i have hope. i don't know yet. and nothing in life is for sure. but this life. this isn't possible.
the capo's eye looks bad again. really bad. i swear the vet we saw on friday didn't get it right. she did the exam way too fast. what am i going to do if he loses this eye? i hope he isn't in pain. he seems fine. playing like he always does. the eye just looks so bad. tomorrow i have to go to temple to turn in papers. but now i really have to get the capo to the vet. bugger. just another disaster. another loved one i can't take care of.
i made cupcakes tonight. root beer flavored. they are ok. mild tasting. not sweet enough, i think. and i don't personally like cream cheese frosting. i'll have to find something else. forgot to spray the papers too. they are going to stick. but they aren't bad. and i made them with love. so they will feel good to someone.
Comments:
2010-06-14
ddt wrote:
The papers will feel good to someone?
Well, a smart person said to me, after I was reeling from my Very Bad Breakup You didn't just lose love, you lost your sense of the future. It's really hard to rebuild from scratch your idea of what you think your life will be. Maybe that's still an issue post-patrick. Time helps but not quickly enough.
i think describing it as a sense of future, or lack there of, or unknown, is exactly right. having moved to a new town (though i love it). especially having lost my job. i had a future with patrick, as frustrating as it could be. now, i don't know what my future holds, or who. time does heel, though heeling doesn't seem like enough right now. thanks for the thought. i will probably quote you in a future blog.
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