2010-05-17
the hypothetical phone call
i got the hypothetical phone call today. it was from mrs robinson, the secretary to the ADN program (a VERY important woman). she asked, being i had been accepted to the LVN program, were i to be accepted to the ADN program, which one would i choose. i explained about TAA and that the feds would pay me to go to the ADN program, but not the LVN program, and though i was honored to be accepted to the LVN program, i would definitely go with the ADN program. they make these phone calls, to those who got into the LVN program, to free up space for people on the waiting list for the LVN program. if they know they are going to accept me (though she said the decisions had not yet been made) and they know i am going to leave the LVN program, they can give that space to someone else with a little less than 3 weeks to go before the program starts (ADN doesn't start until Aug). don't see a reason they would waste their time asking the question if they weren't going to act on it NOW. that says to me i got in. of course, it ain't over 'till i got the letter in my hand.
so, i have always thought that most men are intimidated by me. i am too confident and too demanding and ask too pointed of questions. i think this is likely the same with many females. i know a lot of people feel judged by me, but i don't think that is what it is. obviously it doesn't come across properly, which is my fault (and a problem i have always had) but i also think americans are defensive. i need to understand. understand why. or why not. i am also sort of boy like in that i offer solutions a lot. sometimes people just want empathy. sometimes i am good at that. most of the time not so much. or not first. i also loathe whiners/martyrs. do something about it or shut-up, is how i look at it. there are degrees of this. PURE complaint annoys me to death. worry is understandable. self-doubt is human. but 'oh poor me' has no useful purpose. so i avoid people like this. it is safer that way. sure, it gets awkward, especially if i am good friends with someone who is friends with one of these personalities. but it saves us all something in the end if i just avoid interaction with these people. if i can't, i know my irritation seeps through. you can only nod and smile so much before you have to say something to what they are saying to you. anyhow, back to the needing to understand thing. i believe because i question people in attempt to understand what they thinking and why they are thinking it, to understand how they came to this conclusion, people feel that i am judging them. certainly sometimes one can't help it, but most of the time i am just trying to learn a different way of thinking about it, or analyzing it, or a understand another variability in the world. so how could i come across as not so judgmental? is it even possible? i don't not want to, nor will i, stop asking questions. understanding makes me feel better. helps to make everything ok. keeps my anxiety down. but is there some way i could ask differently, or share differently so people don't feel judged? i think i'll ask my therapist.
Comments:
2010-05-21
dan wrote:
Demanding in what way? There's a difference between being oh-so-deferential as many women are socialized to be, even today, even in the West and, you know, being a jerk. There is a lot to be said for empathy -- without it, what are you, a Republican? Acknowledging emotions can do a lot, and some people need a moment of that before they can buckle up and get down to work. But yeah, oh, poor me on extended play is about as attractive as 'do this for me, because I'm JUST A GIRL. Then again, I come from a family of strong, smart women. And I wouldn't have it any other way. So, rock on, Heather.
__________
i have empathy. but i don't give it as freely as some, i think. i have an over active sense of responsibility, and though i don't hold others to the same level i do myself, if i am super high to start...you see the math problem. i expect people to act morally and to make the effort. yes, they are my morals, but, for example, i have no problem with religion as long as you don't push it on me (or kids in school) so...i don't think my moral code is too much. having talked with some people recently, and remembering discussions near the end of my marriage. people feel that i am disappointed in them. and, naturally, they don't like that. i can't hide that emotion. and i understand why that hurts. part of it is that i feel my friends can do great things and i am disappointed when i think they could have done so much better, but didn't, because they were lazy or afraid. we are all afraid. move on. anyhow...thanks for the ideas. i will roll them over with what other things i have in my head.
2010-05-18
Lyn wrote:
Your decisiveness is one of the reasons I enjoy hanging out with you, btw. You might be on to something re Americans and defensiveness, although I'm loathe to place people in groups since I try to understand people on an individual basis, rather than as a collective.
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