2010-04-11
terminology
i have been adding to my list of medical terms (disease names, treatments, wood roots, prefix, and suffix) since 15:00 this afternoon. it is 20:35 now. that is a long time. it helps me learn the terms though. i am making lists by chapter. though i felt the med term course would be silly, and it sort of is, it has been helpful. it has even helped me to study for my A&P exams as knowing word meanings helps to reason out answers. which is suppose is cheating. i should just know the answer. but anyhow.
today was hard. i wanted to hide. i had a number of events i was suppose to attend. but i just couldn't bear to go to any of them. it is getting harder to hang around people with normal, positive looking futures. sure, i have a plan, and it could totally work. it is certainly exciting. but it is so unsure. and unsupported. if everything were to truly disintegrate (though i am not sure what that looks like) i imagine my mom would step in. christine would do anything she could. before that though, i feel i have no one. i don't have a partner (though andreas and i are trying) so i am all i got. and i am running out of steam. if i had a partner that was struggling i would pick up the slack for them when they needed it. whatever that means. for me it means smoothing the administrative stuff. making sure i eat, the clothing gets cleaned social things happen. i want to be able to study, do my endless paperwork and that's it until i get through this. that doesn't mean i wouldn't do anything. i would do laundry and make dinner, i just don't want to make decisions. i don't want to have to plan. i want someone to plan for me. these plans have to take my needs and style into consideration, but they get to plan. that would be so awesome. there are just TOO many things to worry about in my life right now. and i am running out of energy to do it. i can't just stop either. if i hadn't bird-dogged the co-requisites thing the ADN program would not have gotten the right info and lord only knows what i would have gotten credit for. then there is my government benefits. i love olga, my workforce solution rep, but when we first met one of the first things she said was 'you are my first TAA client, we will have to figure this out together'. 'nuff said? anyhow, i am tired. and i am starting to worry. i am starting to worry because i don't want to get dressed anymore. sure, i put on clothes before i leave the house, clean clothes, but i am starting to loss all sense of caring on how i look. that's a bad sign. anyhow, assuming, logically, that i am not going to find someone to be my planner until i finish the ADN program i need to find a way, come up with a plan, develop a solution for this increasingly low energy and opposition to moving. so far it has been just one foot in front of the other and get up every day. but that doesn't look like it is going to work long term. i need some external or artificial motivators/directors. any ideas?
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