2010-04-08
it costs $350 to be safe
so i had my first mammogram last week. everything seem to go fine. then i got a phone call on monday. the radiologist saw a 'more dense' area on the right upper quadrant than the left. they wanted me to come in for more detailed tests. how's wednesday? sure. that is the day i go in for my 3rd 6-month pap smear because of my pre-cancerous cells from Nov '08. 2 cancer screenings on one day? why not?! to add insult to injury, the accounting dept at the breast center called and i was going to have to pay for the test out of pocket because i hadn't met my deductible for the year yet. never mind that the insurance company completely covered the original mammogram, not deductible applied. this more detailed testing, you know, to see whether they will have to shell out the big bucks, that i have to pay for. and it costs $350. awesome. even if i had a job i would be drowning with all the recent random expenses. anyhow, what if i didn't have access to these funds? then what? i just go on hoping the density was nothing? as it was, it was nothing. the further tests revealed no lumps or cysts. that's nice. it was fucking stressful, but at least the outcome was positive. the woman i sat in the waiting room with has a history in her family and has to go for the detailed thing every year. i wished her good results. i still have to wait for my smear result, but the last 2 week fine so statistically this one should be too.
part of me wished the results had been bad. then i would have had something i felt ok about being stressed about. or rather, for being bummed about. though logically i see that all the negative things that have happened in my life in the last couple of years ARE significant, i feel guilty for feeling bad about them. other people have it so much tougher. i do have money, even if it is running out and i will eat cat food in my retirement. i do have health, which many people don't. i have a plan and a means for achieving it, which is the right direction. so really, shouldn't i just be miss happy perky all the time? it could be SO much worse. in a sense, my life HAS been much worse (your step-mother waiting at home for you with a gun and your dad telling you not to come home that night as a result, is worse in my book). and yet, i am so tired. i am so sick of all the obstacles. i am doing what i am suppose to, fighting to move on, why can't the universe work with me on this? why is it something new every week? and even if i manage to over-come them, the stress is bringing me down. which then makes me feel guilty. because i have over-come the struggles, so far, and things could be much worse. but if i had breast cancer. well. then i would have something to be justifiably bummed out about. sure, it could still be worse, i could be uninsured when i was diagnosed, i could not even have money for food, but having breast cancer at 40 makes the 'ok to be bummed' list. and it would be nice to feel ok about being stressed out and bummed. it would be nice to receive sympathy i felt was justified. it would nice to get the support. (not that people aren't willing to support me now, i just think it would be more then and more urgently given, if that makes sense). anyhow. of the 3 potentially disasters dropped in my lap this week, at least one of them is cleared up. still working on the other two.
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