2010-03-07
i eat when i study
i am not sure what it is. i use to eat a lot during MEC. stress? i think it is more an anxiety thing, actually. don't like it. i have been working out 4 days a week for over a month and i haven't lost a pound. not fair. i don't eat enough veggies since my divorce. especially since losing my job. my schedule just doesn't allow for regular shopping and cooking. i miss normal. i miss regular. today i feel very 'what's the point' i mean, sure, i'll just get up tomorrow and do what i am suppose to, but really, why? what does it get anyone? of course, i get to see my coed crush on tuesday night. that'll be nice.
megatron went to live at the austin humane society today. i want her to be adopted by a family with a yard. she is not happy here. my flat is too small. she was really happy at andreas' house being able to go outdoors. she was a total sweetheart. but andreas has 4 cats in his house right now. the humane society is a no-kill shelter unless the cat is too sick or has too great a behaviour problem. but in that case, they will call me first and i can pick her up. i just want her to be a happy cat. phil has come to stay with us for a little while. so optimus prime isn't alone. i am looking for a permanent friend for her. but i don't know how long that will take. i feel guilty, but i also feel i did the right thing. she will go someplace she is so much more happy.
i have been watching torchwood on netflix recently. from the makers of dr who. part x files, part space show. lots of futuristic gadgets. lots of really attractive men kissing too. seriously hot. and james marsters, who played spike on buffy, has a recurring role. he looks a bit older. but the kissing is awesome. man i love british tv. on the last episode i watched tonight tosh, the japanese computer genius, had to convince the man she loves to go back to his time (1918) in order to close the time rift. problem is, he dies a few weeks later. he was shell shocked in WWI and they executed soldiers that wouldn't fight for being cowards. so she knows she is sending the man she loves not just away from her in time, but to his death. but she is doing it to save time ever after. in effect, so that she is born. could i do that? could you do that? i think i could. to save humanity. to give humanity the chance to do better. sure, seems like i would already know what happens. but i don't think you can ever know. random things happen all the time. spock said it best, 'one life for many'.
my therapist and i were talking about my fears. that is the hardest thing about being single and unemployed, fears. i think the thing i fear the most is being forced to give up on my moral code, my belief system. what you care about changes when life gets harder. when it just gets harder to get through each day. but if i give up my moral code, then what has been the point of my life? what is the meaning at that point? perhaps because i am getting older i am starting to worry about my legacy? whether i will be remembered? long term, i won't. i don't have kids. there won't be anyone to tell stories about me. of course, i AM in the internet archive, so i guess i will live forever there. but if i fall so far that i can't even manage to maintain my principles, well, then what does that say? i feel the truth of maslow's hierarchy of needs more and more everyday. i want to die on the top of that pyramid. i don't believe in self-actualization, so to speak. but i do believe in what is right and wrong and what i do about it. if i didn't, i wouldn't respect myself. i guess THAT is what i fear the most. losing self-respect. funny.
Comments:
2010-03-08
Nonny Mouse wrote:
Your principles, values and ethics do not change due to unfortunate circumstances. Rather unfortunate circumstances show what your true principles, values and ethics really are.
how does that explain the higher rates of crime in poor neighborhoods then? do they have a higher rate of 'untrue' principles? poor ethics? i have a hard time with that.
2010-03-08
Nonny Mouse wrote:
The vast majority of crime in poor areas is committed by the same small group of people. Most everyone else goes about their lives and maintains their ethical standards albeit scared to death of the thugs.
so what about the cycle of poverty? is that separate from morals and ethics? i am certainly not suggesting, never would, that those in poverty deserve it. but as you get closer to just having to struggle to clothe, house and feed yourself, do other higher level behaviours matter anymore?
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