2010-02-22
long hard slog
at the therapist today i told her that i didn't know what i was doing there anymore. she agreed that the original reason i had sought her out, not being able to sleep, being afraid when i drove, seemed to have passed. i like going there. i like her. but i can't really justify the cost. she agreed that i didn't seem to have anything i needed to work out. that we talked about patrick some, and that dealing with my sadness there was just a process. that the real problem in my life is this stressful place i am in. no light at the end of the tunnel for a long time. and it is such a burden, one i carry alone. when patrick and i were married i wanted his help, but i always found myself alone. perhaps he tried, but i didn't see it, and i didn't feel helped (he did build heathershair for me, a keep my scooters running and find that NIN show for me after they canceled in London...other things he did, like cooking, were still a struggle). somehow though, i always had the hope that he would help me, maybe when things were bad enough. now it is only me (andreas and i just seem to live different lives) and i am so tired. i think the only person out there that would really catch me if i fell, really come in and take over until i could get back up, would be my best friend, and she has at LEAST an equal amount of problems right now (though really more). everyone else would have strings attached. of course, if i am in a semi-conscious state, i wouldn't really know (this was a suggestion i made to my therapist of where i would really like to be right now). it is just kind of a bummer that i would turn out to be 'one of those women', the kind who is alone and struggling at 40. not really surprising, i have always thought of myself as the make it big or end up alone type. i am just more ok about being alone in my 40s than i was in my 20s. still sucks though. twice in my life i have experienced things that made me think 'oh god, that's going to happen to me'. the first one happened when i worked at mcdonald's on milpas in high school (santa barbara). i helped this women and she was really petite and cute and had a nice style. i thought, wow, i might look like her when i grow up (cause i was tiny in high school). but then when she walked away from the counter, i saw she had thunder thighs. and i thought to myself, 'oh, god, that's going to happen to me'. the next time, patrick and i were watching '6 feet under' (which makes this particular instance that much more horrible) and the person how died at the beginning of the show (which happened at the beginning of each show) was a woman that know one missed. she rented a house, worked temp jobs, was totally unmemorable. she choked and died on the kitchen floor. no one found her for days. then she had no family or friends. the not-gay brother was very upset about there being no one to attend her funeral. he had the families priest do a sermon and the 6 feet under family attended. i am afraid of becoming that woman. i have friends, but i none are close who live close. they wouldn't notice i was gone for a while because i don't talk to any of them every day or anything. i think it would even take andreas a couple of days since we have such different lives. christine and i talk once a week mostly, but that wouldn't help. i think a couple of people would come to my funeral. but only people like christine and gaby. i just don't think i am close enough to anyone else they would travel to where i would be buried (i assume my mom would bury me in chico, assuming i out-lived her...if i didn't out-live her, i don't know who would bury me. *note to self - if mom dies, make burial arrangements for self*). this isn't as morbid as it sounds. i am not planning on offing myself. it is simply to express how alone i feel. patrick has julie. i really have no one (andreas and i are just different). it just IS.
i should take more fashion photos. though with the really cold weather it has been hard for me to dress up every day. believe it or not, i just want to put on jeans and some sort of short dress. which i resist. i even feel like wearing sweats, but i resist that even harder. i think the biggest inhibitor is my bad camera set-up. i need one of those wild leg, wrap around anything tripods. i should ask my roommate to ask her boyfriend to buy me one at REI with his discount.
went to the gym tonight even though my gym buddy is out of town. good for me! (going to the gym is the one thing i have been able to be good about lately!) of course, i then came home and had a GIGANTIC plate of nachos. i make awesome nachos. such a big plate i almost feel sick. but i earned it, i suppose. i'll lift weights tomorrow. what a good girl.
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