my stalker is back. and at this point, he (or she) is getting weird. let’s recap…in the first message the stalker expressed the following:

“to the mistress: who would you wish there weren’t unspoken barriers you could get past, who you have real feelings for, in a world full of otherwise disposables?

i would be unwise to place trust without protecting the question first. the heather i know would agree with this philosophy as she puts to practice.

and you need to be protected from the possibility that who you’re replying to is not gettting your answer without actually being that person.

so you can be assured that the answer can only be figured out by that person, instead of replying with a name, reply with something you’re reasonably sure only that person would know (and exclusive enough the reader knows it couldn’t be anyone else you meant).

this way, if the person you write to here isn’t who you’d hoped it was, it’s nobody’s loss. nobody has to continue beyond the answer.”

what does this sound like to you readers? does this sound like someone who is just looking for a friend? not to me. this sounds like someone who is afraid to express their love (or that thing we get into when we first have feelings for someone). as you may remember, readers, i told q. doe to leave me alone if they weren’t going to be honest with me and tell me who they were. and then, a couple of days ago, i received another message. only this one is about job advice:

“maybe it’s possible that most of the hiring processes so far have at least someone involved whom, either from their own conservative tendencies, or from their perceptions of other teammate’s tendencies, have made pre-judgments about you based on information they have seen about you in your internet presences and blog writings. they most of the time won’t give you constructive negative feedback for too many reasons to list: liability concerns, hiring practices controversies, mere awkwardness and/or messiness in the face of unknown or feared reactions to their feedback, etc, etc, etc. unfortunately it is my experience that no one of a sizeable employer wants to take even the slightest risk in telling you really really why they didn’t hire you. so in this case it probably is just the case, perhaps more for you than you’d wish for, that you have to just fight harder, keep getting up from each soul-draining rejection, and be a billion times more tenacious than your peers in never ceasing in your efforts to find a yes amidst a sea of nos. surely you will eventually find the hiring person out there who’ll be willing to place the bet that is choosing to hire you that the real you is the person that will meet and exceed their needs. or you won’t, if the person(s) that would take the chance on the real you doesn’t/don’t exist out there, within the scope and stamina of your sales of yourself efforts. life really sucks oftentimes, and our only weapon to meet the suckitude truly is sheer grit and constitution. and getting by with a little help from our friends. although past a certain point we can’t eat and sleep on grit and our own constitution, in which case we compromise, fold, and/or cry/lament our predicament(s). some people deal with 99%+ of their seeking approval from others efforts met with cold, careless, unfeeling rejection. for this, “courage wolf” was invented. if you do not know about courage wolf, there’s a googling in your near future.”

notice the different writing style? anyhow, i sent a reply, then a provocative email. this was part of his/her reply:

“you didn’t want to receive emails from anonymous. heh.

i’d rather not feel the weight of identity confining my ability to say what i really think.

you are the opposite of this kind of personality – i know and understand that.

that’s why i really haven’t intended to communicate anymore, because I acknowledge the incompatibility. i only communicated because i felt like i was bursting with a want to say something. because you seem to be really struggling, and that situation you’re struggling with blows. this is the only way i know how to express the kind of truthful empathy without the self-censorship i would otherwise apply as identified. like when there’s a box one can put written comments/feedback to management who wants a way for people to say what they really want to (or even see if people actually care at all, not just pretend they care out of feeling obligated to do so).”

“i acknowledge the incompatibility”. ok. still sounds like more than friends. and really, you want to be friends but you can’t tell me who you are until i tell you that you are the person i dream of having a special relationship with? so i send back the following (just a piece of it, the rest of the email explains how my friends are more concerned than i am):

“how on earth could we ever date if you won’t be honest with me if i know who you are? do you really feel, if you’re “the one” that it will magically keep insecurities and problems with relationship communication at bay? i feel that makes no sense what so ever. it isn’t who they are, it is what you are afraid to lose.”

and THIS is what i get in reply…

“heather, what makes you think i want to date you?

i’ve never said a thing that says i wish to date you. is it just unfathomable to you that this person might just care about you witthout an interest to be involved with you in that way? just because a person is attractive doesn’t mean others must an inability to not be interested in that dimension. we are animals, yet we are also different than animals. a person matured to master their own passions i feel can participate in richer involvement with the world. things can be more genuine, more clear.

i truly must stop writing you, if you continue to conceive this is a feeling out towards a date or even a “hookup” (i hate that term, but its descriptive here).

i care, but that’s just it. care.

anyway, take it easy, and keep on trucking’”

seriously?! you, who is too cowardly to admit who you are, are getting mad at me for assuming that no one would remain such a mystery and require such proof of my thinking you’re special (see first email from q. doe) to simply talk to me as a caring friend, but actually be looking for something more?! what are “real feelings” (first email) exactly? seems a little heavy for something that happens just in friendships? NOW i am concerned, because this is NOT rational behavior in my book. this is changing attitudes after the fact. this is panicked word play. wow, just wow. now i really do want you to leave me alone q. doe, because you are starting to scare me. and i hope that you find a way to be yourself to people when you are with them. generally, it means better, stronger, more satisfying relationships.

oh, and p.s. q. doe….if you know me well enough, you know i don’t go for “hook-ups” so it is rather telling, that you don’t know me very well at all, to suggest so.

called 4 nurse managers this week about positions. left 3 messages and didn’t get a single call back. the fourth said she was waiting to hear back from HR whether she had another rec or not. she didn’t want to bring people in for interviews then have to say “i would love to hire you, but i don’t have a rec”. i told her i greatly appreciated that. she said to keep calling back. she didn’t mind me following up regularly. that was very nice of her.

so, at this time tuesday (~72 hours from now), i will be done with nursing school but still not have a job. a number of my classmates have called me to talk about why i can’t find anything. offering support and advice. we think it is because 1) i wasn’t a student tech nurse and 2) my “impressive” background makes nurse managers think i won’t stay long, that my intro floor is just stepping stone. HA! i was asking to join the mgmt track at HP. i said no. i don’t want to go up, i want to be a nurse. i want to be a floor nurse. if i could only get in and get the chance to tell them that.

i just feel lied to. another case of something being wrong with me but no one being willing to tell me what it is so i can try and fix it. i want to be happy for my classmates, but it is so hard. i think i am awesome. does all this rejection mean i am wrong? and do NOT say to me “it just means the right thing hasn’t come up”. what would be WRONG about a position at st david’s main? someone explain to me what i am doing wrong so i can change it and do it right. i just want to be wanted. it is the story of my life.

p.s. haven’t heard back from my dad. either he didn’t like my email (which seemed mild to me, i just answered some questions) or his wife won’t let him help me. oh well.

i found this amusing as he recently compared aspects of my lifestyle to adulterers and drug addicts. of course, it wasn’t a political or ethical topic, per se. it was simply my lifestyle. it wasn’t a shouting match, as it was via email and no capitalization was used. but it was certainly a mindless insult. and when i pushed back, he did, as he always does, he ran and hid. anyhow…he suggested that people should get together and discuss the world in a civilized manner. i challenge that this would really work. the underlining sentiment being “you called me an adulterer and drug addict, that was civil just because you didn’t shout it?” but with a higher point of, how is this possible, what will it achieve? then i decided that i shouldn’t post it because, though i believe my points are quite valid, i don’t see a use in challenging his hypocrisy and potentially derailing that which is, in its raw form, a great idea.

didn’t want to abandon it completely though….

my not-post:
i suppose this could be a topic for such a Friday night, but, how do we defend ourselves when those we are talking to malign us unfairly? Should we simply turn the other cheek? Though i agree that discourse should be civil, just because a voice isn’t raised, doesn’t mean one is acting civilly. Should we start to see those whose opinions we find ignorant and wrong “poor lost souls” and just continue to try and save them from the ignorance? i am not arguing for screaming, yelling and name calling, but how do we let go the insult of others ignorance? And aren’t there numerous topics, such as gun control, where ample evidence can be provided by each side and, in a sense, it comes down to opinion? i do love the idea.  i just feel trapped by today’s society. 

the end is nie. only it is a good end. 9 more days until the term is over. 11 until my pinning. so far 11 of my friends have signed up to attend my pinning. i think some of them don’t realize it is an hour away. and they would have to leave at about rush hour. even if they don’t make it, i am very excited!

it is hard to focus these days. i think about finding a job, a lot. but my mind is wandering to just not being under the gun with school. of course, i will be under the gun for the NCLEX as soon as school is out. but i am not as worried about that. i dunno. i just want to be able to make dinner and watch hulu without feeling horribly guilty. i want to be like normal people.

my financial position is getting more bleak. i really need a job. i really WANT a job. i asked for some help this week and received a less than enthusiastic response. not quite the love i was hoping for. but something. also, a classmate received a call about an interview on the floor at St David’s that didn’t end up hiring me. of course, i was told there weren’t any more positions, but that doesn’t seem to be the truth. which is disappointing and seems terribly unprofessional. meanwhile more of my classmates get offers for their dream jobs. got the last two “thanks, but no thanks” emails from the positions i applied for at S&W. scored one point LESS on my second comprehensive exam. it was disappointing because i felt it had gone better this time. so much rejection. this is supposed to be this great moment in my life. i am accomplishing the biggest challenge i have ever attempted. i am going to be a nurse. and yet, i feel like the universe doesn’t care much. randomness seems to be getting me, even though i am fighting to make myself noticed as much as possible.

had an interview at a long-term rehab facility on friday. seems like they would offer me the job, but i don’t do much nursing. the RNs had out the narcotics, but mostly just deal with problems otherwise. though it is certainly caring for a vulnerable population, it isn’t very much nursing. i won’t get to use my skills much. i don’t feel i will learn much beyond the basics. it is nice to be wanted, for sure. that felt really nice. it was great to connect with people finally. but the pay is very low for this sort of facility as well. 2 more hospitals are possible. i am going to hang on to those. (my friend shirley has been helping a lot with non-hospital facilities. this woman is seriously connected.)

i just breath deep and keep moving. or at least i try. what i would like right now is a nap, honestly.

i really must have been atilla the hun in a previous life. that, or i have been this really horrible person in this life and just don’t get it. i feel like i have worked hard. i have tried. there are lots of things i am not good at, but i have tried. i don’t think that i live in anymore denial than most people. actually, i have always felt i lived in less. and yet, as hard as i have worked, it just feels like i am walking down that tunnel and the light is coming faster and faster. i need a job. i need it so bad. i have a little money left, and if i cover all my obligations it will be gone by june. should i stop paying my bills? or is a job around the corner. i need to move, but it doesn’t make sense for someone to rent to me if i don’t have a job lined up. do i start selling my things? or should i just have faith? i don’t want to do anything rash but i want to be sure i am being as careful as possible. i obviously need help, but i have no idea what to ask for. and how do you ask for help when EVERYTHING is falling apart? i am a smart and useful girl. what did i do to find myself in a position, at 42 years-old, where i am looking at not being able to pay my obligations at best, and homeless at worst? i can’t believe i was such a bad person. and if this is just bad luck, well, what happens now?