anxiety, vents, and shoes
Wed 01 Jul 2009
3:30PM PDT - i just really liked this YUFOTD
Your Useless Fact of the Day™
International protocol holds that a head of state generally takes precedence over all other officials, and heads of state rank in the order that they took office. King Bhumibol of Thailand (acceded 1946) holds the distinction of being the longest-serving head of state and consequently precedes all other dignitaries in the world, although some countries put the Pope of Rome first, and in some circumstances, other protocols govern.
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Mon 29 Jun 2009
2:23PM PDT - momentum
it seems to be about momentum. like if i had someone in bed next to me everyday that said 'ok heather, time to get up and work on the plan', i might be moving forward faster. or at all, really. i like to think that patrick would help me that way. though, of course, isn't sort of just a fantasy in it all? only i have the strength to move forward. it is just that 'do unto others' thing. i would help someone else. i'd call them every morning. or agree to meet them every day. or be willing to sit and brain storm a plan. or give my opinion on a cover letter or resume or if i thought they were appropriate for the job. but that is me. and, i figure most people would never guess i needed that sort of support. i look so self-sufficient. though i have no idea if it is why they picked me, i told my management that if they had to lay-off either me or my office twin, to please pick me. as i said to them, he has 5 kids, i have cats. even if i go down, at least it is just me and not an entire family. and i don't regret that. i never will. because i don't think it is relevant. if they don't need me, they don't. if they don't think i am worth keeping, they don't. wouldn't matter whether i was first or 10th to go. anyhow, i have asked a friend to help me with my resume. i definitely need help with cover letters i have ALWAYS sucked at those. it is the not being able to talk about myself part. i bought a notebook to track my progress. track what i have done, who i have talked to. but i haven't put anything in it. after filling out the IRS application only to realize that 1) i don't have enough accounting classes and 2) they don't have any openings in austin, i got very discouraged. if there isn't even anything i can apply for, how can i possibly hope to find a job? i am thinking of going into nursing. but i am worried i might be too old. i think the TAA program could help me with that. unfortunately, i am having difficultly finding someone at HP to help me. i am not at a 'big' site (big for lay-offs that is) so there is no one local to help me and so far the online stuff hasn't worked out well (links that go no where, support calls placed the result in error pages). it is hope that is missing. it isn't that i feel worthless, it is that, in this economy, not having a lot of history with friends in austin, i feel hopeless to getting a foot in the door and getting an interview. it is as though i can't even take care of myself. like losing my husband, at least i had a job and i could take care of myself. but now i don't even have that. so how will i take care of myself? it is an excuse (sort of) but it has been over 100 degrees here for the last 5 days. i don't own a car. i can't drive anywhere without arriving sopping wet. not great for signing up with recruiters. and it is SO draining. and this headache. it won't go away. it starts to get a little better, then it gets horrible again. maybe it is a tumor. that would be useful. i realize this is a bad attitude, and i go back to it when times are tough, but considering the state of the world (madoff got 150 years today, but those people still lost everything and is still gone) i think a convenient, quick illness would do the best for the most people. i am torn between just going out and applying for everything, doing the best i can with my resume myself, and being very careful and deliberate, and putting together some help of friends, researching exactly what is out there and what i can do, and then applying. and it is sort of paralyzing. time marches on.
Sun 28 Jun 2009
9:31PM PDT - surfing youtube
i wish kurt corbain hadn't died. he felt the pain and worry we all do, but he could express it. he had a voice that so few of us manage. it would have been wonderful to see how he expressed his feelings to monica lewinsky, 9/11, the iraq war, the current economic melt down, the first black president. somehow i feel he could have expressed it in a way that allowed us all to feel that much more. to feel enough to stand up and do something.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXO3OMGKPpw (youtube won't let me imbed)
3:14PM PDT - saviors
i suppose we all want to be saved. this assumes everyone has something to be saved from. or transported to. i am an independent girl. though i love the idea of someone being this amazing strength for me. someone i can lean on and follow when times are hard. that was one of my concerns with patrick. i was petrified that something horrible would happen, i would fall apart and he would just stand there. HUM was sort of that way (my big project in emea). every night i would go home and cry. i was so afraid that i would fail the team. they worked SO hard, so very very hard. and i was petrified i would miss some important connection and it would fall apart. their blood, sweat and tears would be for nothing. it didn't, but i am not so sure that wasn't just luck. but during that time, patrick would just sit there a look at me. a few times patrick did these wonderful things for me without being asked! he found a festival the NIN was planning at after they canceled the show in london we had flown in for (recently learned that trent had ODd, not that the drummer had been deathly ill), and presented me with all the details of when, where and how. it was fabulous. that was so wonderful. it warms me to this day. but that didn't happen often. this may be because i am such an independent person. i take care of myself so well. i do things myself. of course, i have had to. my parents were too wrapped up in themselves. sometimes they even leaned on me as the adult in the house. so i imagine it was hard for patrick to be there for me, when i was there for myself so much. and i am pretty good at it. had he worked on the 'honey do' list a little more, that might have helped. i am not sure why that was an issue other than it is an issue for most couples. he didn't like me in the garage, but wanted me to be more involved in scooters. could never figure out what to do there. if someone doesn't like an idea i have, or if we are working on something and they want it to go another way, i get irritated if they just say they don't like it but don't offer an alternative. and i can be pretty aggressive about that. i found out, during our marriage counseling in SF, that patrick hated the house we bought in salem. at least that is what he said. this was a COMPLETE surprise to me. it was a cute house. oregon was not the right place for us, but it was a cute house. we could have done things with it over time. but he'd never said anything. not when we were looking at houses. not when we were buying it. not when we sold it. he only mentioned during marriage counseling. why? was he too afraid to say something because he knew i would be upset with just a statement like that? i am all about plans. if he didn't like the house or oregon or HP, he needed to come to me with a plan otherwise. or at least talk about it. but maybe he didn't think like that. but he couldn't explain it either. and i am not an 'easy' person. this has its good points and its bad points for sure. but i am certainly worth the effort.
anyhow, i've always wanted someone i knew could carry me when i needed to be carried (do NOT talk to me about God) but let me take care of myself when i needed to do that too. seems to me that i am a dream date in many ways. my understanding is that most girls are followers. they expect men to take care of them. certainly society has this vision of the male lead family, and not just promise keepers. and here i am, a girl who won't expect my man to do everything, who will make my own decisions, have my own opinions. pull my own weight. a boy in a girls body, in many ways (without the mechanically inclined part). but every now and again, i want to be helped. and yes, i would like my partner to just get it. which isn't entirely fair, but then again, doesn't seem that hard to me. but maybe that is a girl thing. the whole motherly empathy thing. and by helped i don't mean told what to do, corrected, or patronized with 'oh, you're so great, you'll get a job' in this economy. i mean cheerlead-ed for. given a larger grain of salt, when times are tough. talked to with empathy. lead by not dominated. encouraged with the understanding that there are days i am just not going to be up to suggestions. when i was in uni, i discovered that my roommate would move out the week before my period. apparently i was a flaming bitch. best i can tell, cause i certainly didn't notice, i was way more critical that week. no one told me this, i finally noticed a trend and asked. i went to the health center and asked the cute doctor if there was anything we could do. he asked me about my life. i explained the chaos which was my family situation. he surmised that the stress of my everyday life had me on the edge. normally i could manage it. but just before my period i would retain water, and that extra little physical stress pushed me over the edge. *sigh* we tried a diuretic before my period, but mostly i just watched the calendar and didn't talk as much that week. of course, as the most talkative one in the bunch, people noticed and that caused issues. anyhow.
i'd like to establish a relationship with someone that understands i don't mean it as criticism. more often than not, it is just observation. relating to how it is different than me. i guess that makes me self-centered, but really i see it as constantly trying to understand how i fit in it all. i try to be neutral but i am not so good with words sometimes. i was one of those annoying 'why' children. it is a wonder i didn't go into engineering (well, not really, it was calculus that ended that). and then there is the neat freak in me. the organizer process person. i am trying to help things go faster or easier. and sometimes organization is just a security blanket (where is my dado, btw?) yes, sometimes correcting me really pisses me off. and sometimes, letting me make the mistake you know i am about to make without saying anything pisses me off. and sometimes my sarcastic line after a mistake or disaster is just an attempt at comic relief. that isn't exactly fair. but no one is perfect and i try. if i am about to pour ammonia and chlorine together, stop me. there is NO reason for me to do that. but if i am doing something that seems strange to you, well, i am strange, i do things strangely. better to let me go about it my way and just support me as a friend. if i break something, 'cause of one of my cockamamie ideas, i take responsibility for it. that is one of the things i am definitely great at...taking personal responsibility. i don't want a savior. i just want a friend who understands me and puts up with the down sides to my great qualities. someone that talks to me. i sure hope i am making sense here.
as i stare at the ceiling, and see a piece of my right glasses frame, i think to myself again, it must be really weird to see out of two eyes.
Sat 27 Jun 2009
6:28PM PDT - the bestest scooter ever
got blue back. and she is perfect! omg! i could ride and ride and ride. brandon ended up finding patrick on modern vespa. they exchanged mails and patrick gave brandon tips. and blue runs perfect now. good thing she still has dented cowels though. I mean, we all know what happens when a scooter is completely finished.
still working at staying up. i keep telling myself i just have to keep doing things like a normally so. but it is hard. it being 99 degrees at 10pm makes it hard to.
Thu 25 Jun 2009
2:08PM PDT - emotional victory!
i found an html editor (taco) that has allowed me to fix my missing navbar problem! ok, andreas actually figured out the problem, but i finally found an editor that allowed me to fix it. yeah! a success on this day!
1:31PM PDT - ouch
my emotions roam the landscape from minute to minute. it isn't a good day or a bad day. it is a good 15 minutes and a bad 3 hours. i suck at marketing myself. i don't like to brag (except about my baking and keen fashion sense!), i don't like to talk myself up. i hate selling myself. i just want to get up and go do my work. ok, i do damn good work but i am very 'tell me what to do, and i'll get'er done'. my constant fear is that i just won't get any interviews. it IS who you know, and i am physically unable to ask my friends to pass my resume around. it makes me sick. my heart accelerates, i can't complete sentences. oh sure, 'just get over it heather'. if it were that simple, i wouldn't have to mention it. i am afraid that i am going to drive everyone away too. seriously, my emotions are all over the place. i am sure i am going to get really annoying really fast. i pushed patrick away with my being so frustrated and emotional, and friends here in austin hardly even know me. no no no no! i don't want sympathy! i don't want 'it's understandable heather, losing your job is incredibly stressful'. i want the strength to deal with this. the emotional strength to stay up. to keep trying. to make a plan and follow it. but where do i get that strength? it's a used car salesmen's world, i don't work well in it. i think i peeked too soon and used up all my energy and strength. i think it happened when i was living in germany. blah blah blah. i use to be someone that just did what needed to be done. but this, this scares me. i am guessing it is fear of making a fool of myself. in fact, i am sure of it. applying for jobs and having people laugh at me. getting interviews and having people laugh at me. having to tell me friends i can't get a job. and them being very sympathetic until i am gone and then rolling their eyes. which may sound like i have a bad attitude about my friends, but i wouldn't blame them. how pathetic. i need a plan. a plan that will result in something. and yet, it doesn't seem like that kind of world right now. it is more about who you know and luck.
Wed 24 Jun 2009
8:09PM PDT - gratuitous blogging
i am at epoch. blogging on the g-phone. made chicken with sauce tonight. wish i'd had a veggie. new kitchen is grand! will bake tomorrow waiting for salv a to come for my excess. love my g-phone. sorry steve.
10:10AM PDT - o. m. g.
have i mentioned my crazy cat lady action figure? my kitchen utensil cat mask? my self o'cat books?
Tue 23 Jun 2009
12:58PM PDT - thin girls
so, i am thin. a bit rounder in the hips than i would like to be, but pretty damn hot none-the-less! been working on the pool body for vegas. lost 5 pounds. down to 129.4 at this point. a number i that let's me breath. but alas, i now have bumps (you know what i mean, i am not going to use the c-word on this website). how can that be fair? i lose weight and get bumps? not fair. how do i deal with this? is it that i drink too much diet coke? i lose my job, i get bumps and i am about to turn 40! this is getting ridiculous!
i am going to apply for a job at the IRS. i want you all to call your local IRS office and ask for a pink haired agent. tell them you want to confess a bunch of tax evasion but only to an agent with pink hair.
so i posted on facebook that i was excessed (which is not in the dictionary but should be). i wrote about it on here as well. i've heard from a lot of people. but i haven't heard from my ex-husband. now i feel weird about this. but it is weird all over the place. maybe he doesn't know yet. maybe he does know but he doesn't know what to say. maybe he does know but he feels he has to stay out of it. it isn't like he can call me up and say 'if things get bad, i'll send you rent money'. and yet, i feel weird that his life is great (as far as i know) and my life is sort of falling apart. i am trying to stay up. but come on, divorced, unemployed and 40 (with bumps!), is hard to stay on top of. it isn't that i expect anything from patrick, i don't think he should 'help' me. but, if i heard he lost his job, i would offer to help him. before i left SF, when he was really annoyed at work, i offered to stay married and insure him. now i am the one who will lose her health insurance. it just feels weird. after spending so much time with someone, do you just let their life fall apart? and yet, what can you really do?
