Welcome to the chronicle of my hair, Heather's Hair.

well, i did it. i graduated from nursing school. the pinning and graduation ceremonies are later this week, but today i found out that i completed the program. wow. just wow! it is unbelievable, really. sure, you all were sure i could do it. but no one really knows the hurdles i had to over come. it was harder than ANYTHING i have EVER done in my life. teachers were discouraging (not all). tests were sometimes completely baffling when i thought i knew what i was doing. the hours were ludicrous. but now, i can say, i have Graduate Nurse Heather. i’ll be just plain ol’Nurse Heather once i take the NCLEX in june. i am so proud of myself. this is just THE proudest moment of my life ever. it feels so good. and next…doing some real nursing!!!

med surg final today. i feel i passed. that is all that matters. the more interesting thing is what i did after the test. i went to scott and white (the hospital in temple) and introduced myself to the nurse manager that i have been playing phone tag with regarding a GN position on her floor. now she has a name and face. she said she would pull my stuff today and call me to set up a peer interview. she wants to be sure her team works well together. i totally respect that! i then went to another floor. i had sent this nurse director a message but received no reply. thought i would try anyway. and i ended up with an impromptu interview and a nurse shadow set up for may 17th! woohoo! seems like a good sign. still going to follow up on those 4 positions i called about last week, but this was encouraging.

my stalker is back. and at this point, he (or she) is getting weird. let’s recap…in the first message the stalker expressed the following:

“to the mistress: who would you wish there weren’t unspoken barriers you could get past, who you have real feelings for, in a world full of otherwise disposables?

i would be unwise to place trust without protecting the question first. the heather i know would agree with this philosophy as she puts to practice.

and you need to be protected from the possibility that who you’re replying to is not gettting your answer without actually being that person.

so you can be assured that the answer can only be figured out by that person, instead of replying with a name, reply with something you’re reasonably sure only that person would know (and exclusive enough the reader knows it couldn’t be anyone else you meant).

this way, if the person you write to here isn’t who you’d hoped it was, it’s nobody’s loss. nobody has to continue beyond the answer.”

what does this sound like to you readers? does this sound like someone who is just looking for a friend? not to me. this sounds like someone who is afraid to express their love (or that thing we get into when we first have feelings for someone). as you may remember, readers, i told q. doe to leave me alone if they weren’t going to be honest with me and tell me who they were. and then, a couple of days ago, i received another message. only this one is about job advice:

“maybe it’s possible that most of the hiring processes so far have at least someone involved whom, either from their own conservative tendencies, or from their perceptions of other teammate’s tendencies, have made pre-judgments about you based on information they have seen about you in your internet presences and blog writings. they most of the time won’t give you constructive negative feedback for too many reasons to list: liability concerns, hiring practices controversies, mere awkwardness and/or messiness in the face of unknown or feared reactions to their feedback, etc, etc, etc. unfortunately it is my experience that no one of a sizeable employer wants to take even the slightest risk in telling you really really why they didn’t hire you. so in this case it probably is just the case, perhaps more for you than you’d wish for, that you have to just fight harder, keep getting up from each soul-draining rejection, and be a billion times more tenacious than your peers in never ceasing in your efforts to find a yes amidst a sea of nos. surely you will eventually find the hiring person out there who’ll be willing to place the bet that is choosing to hire you that the real you is the person that will meet and exceed their needs. or you won’t, if the person(s) that would take the chance on the real you doesn’t/don’t exist out there, within the scope and stamina of your sales of yourself efforts. life really sucks oftentimes, and our only weapon to meet the suckitude truly is sheer grit and constitution. and getting by with a little help from our friends. although past a certain point we can’t eat and sleep on grit and our own constitution, in which case we compromise, fold, and/or cry/lament our predicament(s). some people deal with 99%+ of their seeking approval from others efforts met with cold, careless, unfeeling rejection. for this, “courage wolf” was invented. if you do not know about courage wolf, there’s a googling in your near future.”

notice the different writing style? anyhow, i sent a reply, then a provocative email. this was part of his/her reply:

“you didn’t want to receive emails from anonymous. heh.

i’d rather not feel the weight of identity confining my ability to say what i really think.

you are the opposite of this kind of personality – i know and understand that.

that’s why i really haven’t intended to communicate anymore, because I acknowledge the incompatibility. i only communicated because i felt like i was bursting with a want to say something. because you seem to be really struggling, and that situation you’re struggling with blows. this is the only way i know how to express the kind of truthful empathy without the self-censorship i would otherwise apply as identified. like when there’s a box one can put written comments/feedback to management who wants a way for people to say what they really want to (or even see if people actually care at all, not just pretend they care out of feeling obligated to do so).”

“i acknowledge the incompatibility”. ok. still sounds like more than friends. and really, you want to be friends but you can’t tell me who you are until i tell you that you are the person i dream of having a special relationship with? so i send back the following (just a piece of it, the rest of the email explains how my friends are more concerned than i am):

“how on earth could we ever date if you won’t be honest with me if i know who you are? do you really feel, if you’re “the one” that it will magically keep insecurities and problems with relationship communication at bay? i feel that makes no sense what so ever. it isn’t who they are, it is what you are afraid to lose.”

and THIS is what i get in reply…

“heather, what makes you think i want to date you?

i’ve never said a thing that says i wish to date you. is it just unfathomable to you that this person might just care about you witthout an interest to be involved with you in that way? just because a person is attractive doesn’t mean others must an inability to not be interested in that dimension. we are animals, yet we are also different than animals. a person matured to master their own passions i feel can participate in richer involvement with the world. things can be more genuine, more clear.

i truly must stop writing you, if you continue to conceive this is a feeling out towards a date or even a “hookup” (i hate that term, but its descriptive here).

i care, but that’s just it. care.

anyway, take it easy, and keep on trucking’”

seriously?! you, who is too cowardly to admit who you are, are getting mad at me for assuming that no one would remain such a mystery and require such proof of my thinking you’re special (see first email from q. doe) to simply talk to me as a caring friend, but actually be looking for something more?! what are “real feelings” (first email) exactly? seems a little heavy for something that happens just in friendships? NOW i am concerned, because this is NOT rational behavior in my book. this is changing attitudes after the fact. this is panicked word play. wow, just wow. now i really do want you to leave me alone q. doe, because you are starting to scare me. and i hope that you find a way to be yourself to people when you are with them. generally, it means better, stronger, more satisfying relationships.

oh, and p.s. q. doe….if you know me well enough, you know i don’t go for “hook-ups” so it is rather telling, that you don’t know me very well at all, to suggest so.

the nurse manager at st davids said he would call either way. said he had wanted to make decisions mid of last week. didn’t get a call. more disappointing professionalism.

called 4 nurse managers this week about positions. left 3 messages and didn’t get a single call back. the fourth said she was waiting to hear back from HR whether she had another rec or not. she didn’t want to bring people in for interviews then have to say “i would love to hire you, but i don’t have a rec”. i told her i greatly appreciated that. she said to keep calling back. she didn’t mind me following up regularly. that was very nice of her.

so, at this time tuesday (~72 hours from now), i will be done with nursing school but still not have a job. a number of my classmates have called me to talk about why i can’t find anything. offering support and advice. we think it is because 1) i wasn’t a student tech nurse and 2) my “impressive” background makes nurse managers think i won’t stay long, that my intro floor is just stepping stone. HA! i was asking to join the mgmt track at HP. i said no. i don’t want to go up, i want to be a nurse. i want to be a floor nurse. if i could only get in and get the chance to tell them that.

i received a perfect score on my research paper for clinicals. this from, whom i think is, the toughest grader of the bunch. but i had sort of expected this, or close to. i mean, i was an analyst for 12 years. this was analysis. but even my grammar passed muster. i am delighted and it means an A in my clinicals course. that’s nice.

so a classmate got a call for an interview at the floor where i interviewed but didn’t get hired because it was “a tough decision” but there were only so many positions and they were now full. then 2 weeks later she gets a call for an interview. and she got it. she didn’t even WANT to work on a teley floor. i convinced her to go to the interview, if only for practice. at this point though, no one really turns down jobs.

i just feel lied to. another case of something being wrong with me but no one being willing to tell me what it is so i can try and fix it. i want to be happy for my classmates, but it is so hard. i think i am awesome. does all this rejection mean i am wrong? and do NOT say to me “it just means the right thing hasn’t come up”. what would be WRONG about a position at st david’s main? someone explain to me what i am doing wrong so i can change it and do it right. i just want to be wanted. it is the story of my life.

p.s. haven’t heard back from my dad. either he didn’t like my email (which seemed mild to me, i just answered some questions) or his wife won’t let him help me. oh well.

this friend feels they have found their calling: the restoration of civilized, adult discourse…lamenting the death of reasoned debate and the rise of lurid shouting matches”

i found this amusing as he recently compared aspects of my lifestyle to adulterers and drug addicts. of course, it wasn’t a political or ethical topic, per se. it was simply my lifestyle. it wasn’t a shouting match, as it was via email and no capitalization was used. but it was certainly a mindless insult. and when i pushed back, he did, as he always does, he ran and hid. anyhow…he suggested that people should get together and discuss the world in a civilized manner. i challenge that this would really work. the underlining sentiment being “you called me an adulterer and drug addict, that was civil just because you didn’t shout it?” but with a higher point of, how is this possible, what will it achieve? then i decided that i shouldn’t post it because, though i believe my points are quite valid, i don’t see a use in challenging his hypocrisy and potentially derailing that which is, in its raw form, a great idea.

didn’t want to abandon it completely though….

my not-post:
i suppose this could be a topic for such a Friday night, but, how do we defend ourselves when those we are talking to malign us unfairly? Should we simply turn the other cheek? Though i agree that discourse should be civil, just because a voice isn’t raised, doesn’t mean one is acting civilly. Should we start to see those whose opinions we find ignorant and wrong “poor lost souls” and just continue to try and save them from the ignorance? i am not arguing for screaming, yelling and name calling, but how do we let go the insult of others ignorance? And aren’t there numerous topics, such as gun control, where ample evidence can be provided by each side and, in a sense, it comes down to opinion? i do love the idea.  i just feel trapped by today’s society. 

i am going to start tracking my weeks. this week, on the not so hot side: i still didn’t find a job. not sure what my financial situation is going to end up being. had a mediocre interview at st david’s south. the OB exam did not go so well. on the positive side: got to the gym 3 times, got a 90 on my med surg exam (this takes a LOT of pressure off the final), had my lease app accepted, dressed up in a “naked-ish” outfit of lace and went to a burlesque show with the boy toy, studied, studied, studied with my friend kyle (and nagged him and he didn’t even mind). after the med surg exam i felt MUCH better. that was really nice. ironically, this is the teacher i studied HOURS and HOURS for at the beginning of the term (cardiology) and only ended up doing mediocre (80). did not study nearly as much and did much better. go figure.

the end is nie. only it is a good end. 9 more days until the term is over. 11 until my pinning. so far 11 of my friends have signed up to attend my pinning. i think some of them don’t realize it is an hour away. and they would have to leave at about rush hour. even if they don’t make it, i am very excited!

it is hard to focus these days. i think about finding a job, a lot. but my mind is wandering to just not being under the gun with school. of course, i will be under the gun for the NCLEX as soon as school is out. but i am not as worried about that. i dunno. i just want to be able to make dinner and watch hulu without feeling horribly guilty. i want to be like normal people.

this week was full of rejection. there were a couple of bright spots. i did get an interview at st david’s south. it isn’t with the manager that i expected to call me, but still, it is a med surg floor and i am excited. had a great conversation with an HR person at brownwood. she is going to present me to the DON (director of nursing). and i am getting a recommendation from an instructor for that job. my housing situation seems to have been worked out. my new landlord is amazing. i am paying him 3 months in advance, plus deposit. had to max out a credit card to do it, but, that is just the reality right now. got to hang out with my friend kyle. boy toy called and offered to rub my feet. my classmates gave me lots of hugs in class when i started to cry because of an email i received. some of them have even offered some financial support (lots have offered rooms). so those were certainly bright spots. OH! and my rotation was in the ICU. it was amazing. i am definitely going to be working towards working in the ICU. yep, definitely.

my financial position is getting more bleak. i really need a job. i really WANT a job. i asked for some help this week and received a less than enthusiastic response. not quite the love i was hoping for. but something. also, a classmate received a call about an interview on the floor at St David’s that didn’t end up hiring me. of course, i was told there weren’t any more positions, but that doesn’t seem to be the truth. which is disappointing and seems terribly unprofessional. meanwhile more of my classmates get offers for their dream jobs. got the last two “thanks, but no thanks” emails from the positions i applied for at S&W. scored one point LESS on my second comprehensive exam. it was disappointing because i felt it had gone better this time. so much rejection. this is supposed to be this great moment in my life. i am accomplishing the biggest challenge i have ever attempted. i am going to be a nurse. and yet, i feel like the universe doesn’t care much. randomness seems to be getting me, even though i am fighting to make myself noticed as much as possible.

had an interview at a long-term rehab facility on friday. seems like they would offer me the job, but i don’t do much nursing. the RNs had out the narcotics, but mostly just deal with problems otherwise. though it is certainly caring for a vulnerable population, it isn’t very much nursing. i won’t get to use my skills much. i don’t feel i will learn much beyond the basics. it is nice to be wanted, for sure. that felt really nice. it was great to connect with people finally. but the pay is very low for this sort of facility as well. 2 more hospitals are possible. i am going to hang on to those. (my friend shirley has been helping a lot with non-hospital facilities. this woman is seriously connected.)

i just breath deep and keep moving. or at least i try. what i would like right now is a nap, honestly.

i realized something this week about gifts. i suppose it is sort of core to my entire personality. one of the things i asked of patrick in couples counseling was that he thought of me. by that i mean, do things, say things, that show, he was thinking of me. a gift example. gifts with us were always sort of a problem. patrick and i had different ideas. i would envision something one way, and he would envision it another. so, for instance, if he had something made for me, or made something for me, it generally wasn’t what i had asked for. at least, not in my mind. and that made me sad. it was like he wasn’t listening to me. i think the best gift he ever got me was finding the next NIN show in europe after the show we flew to england for was canceled. i didn’t ask him to do it, he just did it. he found me trains to get there too. it was awesome. he bought we a t-shirt once too. i had seen it and mentioned it, it had a shadow of lloyd dobler holding up the boom box from “say anything”, and then one day this envelope arrived for me and it was the t-shirt. he had remembered. he had remembered me. and i think i have realized, that is what i want in a relationship. the sense that someone remembers me. that they see things, and think of me. it doesn’t have to be an expensive gift or a fancy gift. this summer, for my birthday, my nursing classmates bought me a 6-pack of diet coke (i hadn’t given it up yet). and that was just the nicest gift, because it was totally me. i just want to be remembered.

i really must have been atilla the hun in a previous life. that, or i have been this really horrible person in this life and just don’t get it. i feel like i have worked hard. i have tried. there are lots of things i am not good at, but i have tried. i don’t think that i live in anymore denial than most people. actually, i have always felt i lived in less. and yet, as hard as i have worked, it just feels like i am walking down that tunnel and the light is coming faster and faster. i need a job. i need it so bad. i have a little money left, and if i cover all my obligations it will be gone by june. should i stop paying my bills? or is a job around the corner. i need to move, but it doesn’t make sense for someone to rent to me if i don’t have a job lined up. do i start selling my things? or should i just have faith? i don’t want to do anything rash but i want to be sure i am being as careful as possible. i obviously need help, but i have no idea what to ask for. and how do you ask for help when EVERYTHING is falling apart? i am a smart and useful girl. what did i do to find myself in a position, at 42 years-old, where i am looking at not being able to pay my obligations at best, and homeless at worst? i can’t believe i was such a bad person. and if this is just bad luck, well, what happens now?

before i left san francisco, i had a panic moment. i acquired strep throat and it took TWO courses of antibiotics to kill it. i was miserable. mostly i am an illness denial person, but when i am really sick, i become a complete wuss. TOTAL wuss. patrick came over to my apartment to make sure that i ate. i said to him, “what if i get sick like this in austin? i don’t know anyone. who will help me?” he replied that i made friends easily and if i was that sick he would come down a take care of me. that made me feel better. but now i am sick, really sick. it is unbelievable how fast this came on. i feel miserable. i don’t want to move or eat. i want someone to take care of me. this is the moment i really miss a partner. i mean, i miss love a lot too. but it would just be really nice to have someone here to pet me and tell me i was going to get better. of course, i doubt, if i were still in san francisco, that patrick would be willing to come over and take care of me anymore. and when i got a 48 hour stomach bug a few years ago, andreas was really awesome. and boy toy has offered to come over this weekend and nurse me. and if i were in DIRE need for help, i can think of a number of people i could call. and yet, i would certainly be nice to have my own nursemaid. when a friend had a outpatient surgery, i spent 2 days at her house to make sure everything was alright. if i heard a friend was sick, i would totally offer to go to the store or come by to see them. is that weird? i would be proactive in helping them. is that too much? that i would like that in return, is that having an unreasonable expectation? boy toy lives almost an hour south, so obviously i wouldn’t expect him to zoom up here during the week. but maybe some friends i have in town? yes, i know you have to let them know. but most of them know. i dunno, this friend behavior hierarchy thing is starting to look like a root in my life’s dissatisfactions. i’ll have to contemplate it more. (oh, my new friend peter did bring me soup last night when i posted a request on FB. that was super-duper awesome of him!)

so, i have been trying to learn about boundaries. it’s hard though. on the one hand, people tell me i am too cerebral, too closed but on the other hand, they have boundaries. i can’t just open up to them, cause there are boundaries. but i don’t know how to figure out what they are BEFORE i find out the hard way. for me, i would do just about anything to help a friend. even people that aren’t super-duper friends. they are simply people that need support. if had a friend who was in school, and needed help studying, i would commit myself to helping them. of course, i also realize this is way too much to ask of someone. it is like i treat everyone like my partner. i am willing to put myself out for anyone i consider a friend. now, there is a hierarchy to this. were i asked to attend 2 events on the one night, one for my partner, the other for a friend, i would chose the partner’s event. same with friends, depends on who is the closer friend. but without restraints, i would help anyone that needed it. and yet, this is NOT a realistic expectation of others. and for the most part, i wouldn’t expect it of others. but with some people i test the boundaries. i see how much i can rely on them. how much support i can ask of them. and generally it ends in hurt on my part. at first it seems like i can ask, but then it doesn’t turn out that way. and i both get it and it hurts terribly.

how do you figure out what reasonable boundaries are with people? is this something that people learn naturally when they have “normal” childhoods? i remember telling my therapist the “don’t eat the brownies!” story and her remarking, “wow, there were just no boundaries in your house, were there?” i hadn’t really thought of it like that before, but i guess, the answer is yes. so is this the problem? this boundary thing, along with being strong and not needing support very much?

many people accuse me of seeing the world as black and white. and it may be true. but what i actually think is going on is that i feel REALLY strongly about some things and let lots of other things go. people have apologized to me a million times for things that just really don’t bother me. cause whatever happens makes sense to me. but sometimes, sometimes there things that are hardcore important to me. and i think people are surprised. there are things that are not negotiable. and perhaps i should mention those things earlier. but how do you do that? you are friends with someone, you are sleeping with something, you are dating someone, and you have needs, and they might be kinda specific sometimes. how do you communicate that without it looking like you are over legislating?

i am afraid that if (when) i lose my beauty, no one will love me because my personality is so acidic to people. then again, i am awesome and i have gotten much better at being alone. (for the record, boy toy says that he would date me because of my personality, if we weren’t in such different phases of our lives. which i agree with, we shouldn’t date as we are in very different phases of our lives. of course, he doesn’t know what it is like to date me, so perhaps, history would repeat itself – which is not to doubt him, but me)

perhaps i will change my name to “awesome smith”. cause i regular say “i’m awesome” and i have been wanting to change my last name. “awesome black” seems a bit too stage name.

interview at st david’s tomorrow. got an email that i had made it to the next round in the versant internship process for seton. my resume has been routed to nurse managers to consider interviewing me. i was sent to 4 hospitals in the area. i am delighted to have gotten this far, though it would be quite the coup to get invited to an interview. (because we were told at the open house that ADNs were “second class citizens” and one of our teachers said we would never get a GN position there because it is a magnet hospital and we are merely ADNs from Temple College.) i am actually fearful that my alarm clock won’t go off and i will miss the interview. that is how important this is to me. and i have a tension headache.

i graduate in 6 weeks. i am moving AGAIN. but this is an exciting move, i think. will fill it in when it is more sure. i shall soon start my career as a nurse. i can go back to riding my scooters everywhere (cause i won’t have textbooks and computers i am lugging around) i will soon be available for real dating!

can’t sleep tonight. too much going on. my rotation this week is hospice and it is way cooler than i thought it would be.

i go to the gym a lot. i feel good when i go several times a week. my body is feeling smoother. it cuts stress. i get to read fiction when i am there!

see, i am sort of babbling, cause so many exciting things are coming up. it is as though my life is starting over, anew.

i really need to fall asleep.

roommate is moving out. next week. rather short notice, but what can you do? lots of things up in the air. it all sort of comes together last minute now in the end days of school. i have an interview next friday. st davids. same place i interviewed for the patient tech job. you remember, great GREAT interview, didn’t get the job cause i was too close to graduating. perhaps this is a good sign. hiring event the second week of april. will apply at brownwood in april. that seems a good chance too. so things will change in the short term. life upheaval. living situation. career. boy. i am ready though. ready to move into a more stable place. ah, positive cash flow!

may have lost another friend because of my straight-forwardness. makes me sad, but again, what can you do? it is my double edged sword.

i am ready for the end of the term and graduation. as in, i feel, finally, that i will make it. I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU ALL SAY. IT WAS NEVER A DONE DEAL! save your “see heather, of course you made it”s. i had to work my arse off and it was still not a sure thing. i would’t say i got lucky, but things could have turned out differently on a number of occasions. i feel good though. i can do it. i’ll get there. i will be nurse heather.

going to the gym so much makes me hungry.

texas state body farm

(thank you grits for breakfast)

got the email from seton today. i am in the pool for the internship. doesn’t mean i am hired, but i made it another step in the weed-out process. good things, good things!

have i mentioned how awesome my therapist is?  ok, i know, i have. but i learned YET another fabulous thing about myself this week.  something that i think will help me to improve my relationships, both friends and intimate partners.

i say it like i see it.  if you piss me off, i am going to tell you.  at least, i will if you matter to me.  if we have a relationship that i want to maintain.  for example, when i first started seeing andreas, for the first 14 months i dated andreas, i considered him a lover and not a boyfriend.  so there were lots of things i let go and never mentioned.  when i finally admitted we were dating, my perspective changed and i attempted to give feedback.  the importance of the relationship had changed for me.  the expectation of intimacy had changed.  so i started to behave differently.  i started to push back.  my friend brooke posted, on FB recently, that she thought the people who didn’t attend the free NCLEX review course were “stupid” because it was such a great course.  i posted that i did NOT appreciate being called stupid and that i didn’t attend because i had a conflict.  and then i let it go.  i told her how i felt and it was done.  no reason to stay pissed.  if she continues to do stuff like that, i may have to talk with her more in-depth about how these comments impact me, but it would be a LONG time before i decided to write her off.  so basically, what i am saying is, i don’t just ignore things people do that bugs me, but i also don’t hold it against them (unless they are belligerent, of course).

i do NOT appreciate it, nor do i find it particularly effective, when someone let’s something , or things, i do annoy them, but doesn’t say anything.  and then these things build over time and either 1) their behavior towards me changes, and i have no idea why or 2) they suddenly explode at me.  nothing gets solved this way.  no one is happy.  and i don’t learn anything.  i am going to go out on a limb here and say that my method of letting people know where they stand, in the moment. is a better way of communicating with a partner.  andreas let the effects of the stress in my life after losing my job, getting hit by a car, turning 40, going back to school, suddenly not being able to sleep anymore, and generally being concerned about my long-term well-being, change his behavior towards me.  when i called him out on it, he admitted that he had planned just to ignore my stress for 2 years until i was done with school at which time everything would “go back to normal”.  he did also admit, this was probably a naive idea.  patrick never pushed back.  and then i think we got too far and it wasn’t possible to come back.  i don’t think it was fair of him to do that.  i don’t necessarily think there would have been anything he could have done about it, at the time, either.

i am far from perfect.  i have some difficult personality quirks.  but you know what?  no one has ever pushed back.  ok, well, i guess in my performance evals mgmt pushed back.  but the people that took issue with my working style, never attempted to talk to me about it in any other context.  seriously?  so what did they expect?  that i would get some comments in a performance eval and then miraculously realize what was wrong and then suddenly just change my entire personality?  and what about the positive aspects of those personality quirks?  i may be opinionated, but i am also loyal.  i may tell you when i don’t like something you have done, but i also tell you when i super appreciate something or think you have done a great job.  there got to be a point with patrick, i was SO frustrated, all i could do was get angry.  which didn’t help.  but i didn’t know what else to do.  and at least that burned off energy.  but getting mad and demanding things from him, certainly was not a formula for success.  but he never pushed back.  how was i supposed to learn about things i did that hurt him, to learn new better behaviors, if he didn’t communicate with me?  same with andreas?  same with lots and lots of people.

ok, you could say to yourself right now, “well heather, obviously you see the pattern, you know what the problem is, so you should work on changing it yourself.”  and that is a lovely idea, but i have found it doesn’t really work all that well.  i am not going to suddenly see things that i haven’t seen before, when they are happening.  i tend to live in the moment so it is hard to reflect actively.  what i am saying is, i need some help with this.

so, to wrap the two original ideas together, to express my a-ha! moment from therapy today…i need to find people that will communicate with me.  people that will, in a calm manner, push back. people that will say, IN THE MOMENT, “hey heather, that hurt my feelings and here is why” and then work with me to change my behavior.  i am not saying i am just going to stop expressing how i feel.  i am not going to stop being opinionated and arguing my point.  i am not suddenly going to have no needs as an intimate partner.  but i would certainly be happy to change the way i express my needs, ask for what i want, share my opinion.  i don’t even know that i would stop cutting people off.  but i can guarantee that i would respond to someone saying, “please let me finish”.  and i would probably cut them off less over the long-term.  (btw, the definition of a discussion is a series of exchanges where you cut the other person off).

i am 42 years-old.  i am pretty well defined.  and i like me, a lot.  i am awesome.  but i am certainly willing to work with someone, if they communicate with me. and i think that is what i need to look for in life.  i need to look for friends and intimate partners that are going to agree to communicate with me.  it takes 2 to tango, so i am completely cognizant of the fact that my failed friendships are as much about my short-comings as those i was friends with (with a few exceptions.  i mean, we have all known some truly crazy people)  BUT, in trying to figure out how to have more successful relationships, i think i need to be clear with people that i need and expect them to communicate with me, in a constructive and useful manner, when i do something they don’t like.  be clear that letting it bottle up is not going to work with me.  and that it isn’t fair of them to let it bottle up and then either explode at me or just walk away.  why would they want to put energy into a relationship, only to let it implode for lack of trying?  and maybe it is a lot to ask.  and maybe that means i am going to find myself limited in the number of good friends i have.  perhaps it will make finding an intimate partner that much harder, since, generally, men do not communicate as much as women do.  but, i think having made this discovery, i have the chance to improve my relationships in the future.  find what i need and be happier.

perhaps there is hope for me.  even at 42.

(btw, something andreas and i did, after we started seeing the relationship counselor, that i thought was awesome, was we had a debrief mtg once a week.  we set that time aside to talk about things that irked us the previous week.  at first i think we were both afraid it would be explosive, but actually, at least for me, it felt safe and it made the rest of the week better knowing i would have a chance to give me feed back, be heard and hopefully change/fix some things.  definitely going to suggest this with my next boyfriend.  i am getting more and more excited about having a super-awesome next relationship because i have figured out so many of the things that have thwarted me in the past!)

so much to share and just no time to share it.  did neuro today.  felt great until i started talking to others about answers and realized some mistakes.  too bad, too, i had started to feel like i had finally accomplished something to be proud of this term (of course, my clinical rotation is going MUCH better).  mid-cirricular is wednesday.  plan is to accept that for what it is and then study oner spring break.  need to write my paper of spring break too.  once that is done, i think a lot of stress will be gone.  i will only, really , have clinical paperwork and tests to go from there.  i can spend more time trying to find a job.  i estimate i will be completely out of money (no back-ups left) by end of may?  i try not to let it stress me out, but obviously, it is serious.  not sure which i would give up first, my health ins or my debt payments.  obviously, i should give up my debt payments, but that is a very serious point of pride.  not getting my meds though. (no, i am not on meds that make it ok for me to go out in public.  i am on meds that make my body not miserable 24/7 plus sexual freedom…ANYHOW….)

i am 42 years old and i am pretty ok with who i am.  (did i mention that i am going to start lying about my age?  i think 42 is both a reasonable oldness to lie about AND a really cool number!  what do you get for being 43?) perhaps it is time to realize that i am not the really close friend type?  that my expectations just don’t work with anyone?  i can have intense relationships.  and be open for people.  but i just don’t think it works the other way.  the “do until others” just doesn’t actually work that well.  i am terribly strong, really.  but am i strong enough to go it alone?  even if i found a partner.  wouldn’t i have to put on a show?  perhaps my therapist is the answer.  i can expect things of her in the context of the relationship.  i dunno.  i need to ponder this.

tomorrow i am team lead for the freshmen class in the sim lab.  won’t THAT be interesting.  should i bring my riding crop?

another email from the mystery person.

It’s interesting to imagine the assumptions you make, said and unsaid, how and where they vary from accurate to wrong, the Truth and the Grey Areas, and all the gray clouds.

Perhaps I don’t think of you in the way you’re thinking I do.

Maybe this is just a ploy to see if I can get something coming out of your heart, without an audience, without ego ineither person’s way – ego shaping what the sayer says, ego affecting what is believed by the listener’s listening.

The little chance here to be ego-free would be ruined if anything were certain. The only thing you can be certain of is the obvious – I am curious just to know what’s going on in there, through this trivial question.

You don’t owe anything to humor me: I am Nobody, Now. But, I ask you: humor me. I just want to see what you’re made of, “in here.”

This is how I would have answered that question if I were in your position. This moment is real. Notice, for example, how this could not have been you.

It was 1994, and all you wanted was for me to sing Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, because you never heard it before. The scent of leaves falling was in the air, although that didn’t make sense as it was spring. The daylight is eternal in that moment, resting as it does in the mind. There is no weight to the world there. Just a smile. Sing it again, you plead. It’s so unbearably cheesy and embarrassing. We never return home. There is no memory of leaving this place. Yet it had to have been by bus since that’s how we got there.

my reply has been that they do not deserve my confidence for hiding as they have. i also mentioned that patrick and i used to “meow” christmas carols. i miss that.