anxiety, vents, and shoes
Fri 21 Nov 2008
10:36AM PST - the megatron saga continues
i got some advice from someone that said, with unsocial cats, only put out food while you are at home and awake. so i did. and megatron started coming out in the morning to eat. if i moved, he ran back under the counter. but now i had a pattern. my plan was simple...put out the food, get up on top of the counter, sit as far back as possible and when he approached the food bowl, jump between him and the hole. i assumed he would freak and run away. then i could stuff the hole with books (he dug the towels out last time). well, he freaked and tried to get around me, but if i moved towards him, he moved back. finally he ran off and i started stuffing books. i stepped away from the hole and he ran back, furiously trying to find a way in. no dice. megatron is now under the couch. but i think that is good. he can see my and optimus prime move around the house as normal. he can see we aren't scary or evil. the whole adventure had my heart pounding though. poor optimus prime was freaked as well. she puffed up and was shaking. but we hung out and it's all good now. btw...here is a picture of optimus prime being crazy-ass cute and attacking the strap on my camera. (btw, i showed her darwin's picture and ashes. explained that darwin was the greatest cat ever. she seemed to understand and continued to be just darn cute!)
Tue 18 Nov 2008
10:41AM PST - the results
i got my test results back today. a little back story...my annual exam was a few weeks ago and my smear came back abnormal. worse than that, i have the high risk HPV strain. this was startling. while in germany my HPV was neg, in 2006 my HPV was neg, but now, not only is it positive, but i have the high risk strain (that is high risk for cervical cancer...you know, the one they have the vaccine for now). wow. how did i get that? safe sex doesn't protect you. it reduces the risk, but doesn't protect completely. men can't be tested for it. there is a DNA test, but it is 'really' expensive and men just aren't given it. so there are tons of guys out there with HPV (their risk of cancer is extremely small) who don't know it, who give it to women. wow. i don't like situations like this. the only way to protect against it is to not have sex (or only have sex with one partner who has not had sex with any other partners). and you can't even be careful, really. now that i know i have it, i can tell my partner, but he can't get tested to see if he has it. so does he assume he has it and we go on like normal? or does he assume he doesn't and get involved with someone else who has not been told they have it? (it can remain dormant, so they may have it and just not know it. if it is dormant, it won't come up on the test, which they only generally do if the smear is abnormal. trapped!) back to my results. as i had an abnormal smear and high risk HPV positive test, we needed to do a biopsy. the 3 possible results are benign, pre-cancerous or cancerous. my results were 'mildly pre-cancerous'. we did 3 biopsy sites and one of them was pre-cancerous, so that is considered mild. the treatment? nothing. they use to treat this, zap the cells, but now they see what the body will do first. there is a 50% chance my body will fight it off. i get smears every 6 months until i have 3 normal results. if 2 years goes by, even if it doesn't get worse, they treat cause my body isn't fighting it off. it could also go cancerous. i am not sure how to feel about this. when i got the news i was abnormal (don't laugh) and had the high risk HPV, i was tired. i wasn't scared, but tired at the idea of dealing with this. i still am. this seems like a waiting game. the best chance is that my body fights it off. the worst is it goes to cancer. and i just have to wait it out. i am not good at waiting. and yet, and yet. i suppose i should be glad it isn't cancer. but at least it would be 'over'. perhaps my deep down feelings is that i am doomed. it WILL go to cancer so i might as well get it over with. but isn't that just a bad attitude? i am not sure how i feel. a definitive answer would be easier for me to deal with. but i guess i am glad it isn't cancer. that would just really complicate things.
good things have happened this week too. i had my conversation with the head of IA on friday. it went really well. i wasn't applying for a particular job, but i am wanting to move to IA. i had friday off (hair day!) so was delighted to arrive on monday and find an email from jose that he wants to talk with my mgmt. i also got a letter from my credit card company saying they were increasing my limit by $4000. which i find odd (hello? credit crisis?) but was pleased as this must mean i have a good credit rating. that says a lot in these times. not that i plan on using it. but it is nice to have. especially if i might need surgery in 6 months (i don't really use my uterus, so do i really need it?).
megatron is still hiding under the counter. i tried unscrewing the wall under the sink, but no dice. the marble top has it stuck in there. someone gave me the tip to only put out food when i am home (and awake). so i am trying that. but i feel like he would rather die under there. which is sad, cause he is so cute! and optimus prime is gettin' all the lovein'.
Thu 13 Nov 2008
4:09PM PST - desperate but not serious!
adam ant on marketplace today!
Wed 12 Nov 2008
11:54AM PST - further adventures of Megatron and Optimus Prime!
Megatron, aka Spot, started by hiding under the counter. spent a day with my shoes. moved to under the bed. and is now between the fridge and stove.
i think this is a good progression. (though i would have spent more time with my shoes, if i were him) the first night under the bed, he didn't even leave to eat. so i brought the food and water to him. he ate, but didn't visit the litter box. no accidents under the bed though. guy has one iron bladder! his sister, Optimus Prime, arrives on thursday. she is very out-going, i am told. i am hoping she will convince him that bi-peds are kitty friends.
Tue 11 Nov 2008
7:00PM PST - cats and doctors
it's been a bad week. besides the cat that isn't really happy here, i got bad news from my dr. went back for follow-up. i'll have more info next week when those results are back. anyhow...i did get GOOD news finally this week. i think i mentioned, that a few weeks back, maybe even months, i sent an email to the head of audit saying i wanted to work in audit. no reply. but today! i got an email from the head of my division's audit team, with my original email to the head of audit, asking if i was still interested. HELL YEAH! i don't like the idea of traveling all week every week. but i could handle maybe 50% of the time. this is a good thing. and i am glad it happened. even if it doesn't work out. chances are encouraging. yeah.
Mon 10 Nov 2008
12:32AM PST - my new cat
i got a cat recently. i was going to post a picture and do a big thing, but it hasn't really worked out as planned. spot (or megatron) is feral. got fixed and stuff through a special program. very sweet, once you get a hold of him. he even purrs when you pet him. but he is also afraid of people. he found the one place in my flat that he can hide that i can't get to him. there is a hole on the underside of my kitchen counter. it goes into the corner section. i can't access him there at all. he does come out late late at night to eat and use the litter box. usually after i am in bed. tonight, i was on the couch. so while he was in the restroom, i blocked the hole to his hide-out. he was not pleased. he ran by me, slid into the wall, and bounded off to the bi-ped restroom. i let him go. but at least now i can see him if i need to. darwin passed away in april. slowly i have been finding kitties cute again. felt i was ready last weekend. but this isn't turning out very well. hopefully, with more time, he will come out and visit. learn to like bi-peds. i can't imagine a life where he just hides all the time and then comes out for food. i'd feel bad. i want to get him a friend. perhaps the friend would convince him bi-peds are ok. to top it all off, my brother and his wife had their baby this week. jessica audrey, if i heard the name correctly. kind of makes my new family member anti-climatic. life just seems so trying right now.
Sun 09 Nov 2008
10:41PM PST - afraid to go to sleep again
i had a bad dream last night. in the dream, patrick was telling me how wonderful his life is without me. that he was glad to be rid of me. when i woke up this morning, i was just bummed. especially after my less than perfect day. i did get out of the house today. that helped. found the missing pieces to my marie antoinette costume. hung out with cassandra at secret oktober (thanksgiving in on!). did some grocery shopping. it was a nice day. a beautiful day to ride a scooter. but now i am home, and i afraid to go to sleep. was going to bake some scones, but i don't have any buttermilk. watching more episodes of CSI than i should (than? is that correct? or should it be then? than is for comparisons, that i get, but then, i don't quite get that) anyhow, i find that i am often afraid to go to sleep. it helps to be totally exhausted. i wish i was totally exhausted at 10pm, instead of 2am. i don't honestly think that patrick feels 'better' without me. he must be happier, because we were unhappy as a couple. but i do think he would have rather it worked out. and yet, it hurts to think it. yeah, yeah, yeah, i've been over this a bunch of times. but i blog what i think, and this is in my head. this is why i am afraid to go to sleep. i made myself dinner tonight. that was fun. i am proud whenever i do that. cause of my history (set the fire alarm off 3 times in the dorms my freshman year). it was simple curry, but i made the curry, not from a jar. woohoo! applied for another job with the city too. i really want this job too. it is a process engineer job. anyhow, send me sweet dreams, eh?
Sat 08 Nov 2008
11:15PM PST - further proof i am getting old
i need bifocals. if they are even possible for me, as i am so blind. i am trying to watch an episode of CSI across the room, big screen and write this blog on my lap. i can see the tv. i can't see my screen. even squinting isn't working very well. *sigh*
and today makes me tired. went to the ren faire again. went as athena. it was bacchanal weekend. which I REALIZE is roman, and athena is greek. but that was the point. i was there to kick minerva's ass. but no minerva. i accosted a couple of people, but they denied being her. i was surprised, and disappointed that people did make the attempt. but it was still fun. one of the reasons i went back was i wanted to get a new under corset. but the place i wanted to go, where they make reversible ones, didn't have a colour combo that i liked. so i went to a different store. theirs were better, colour wise, but not exactly what i wanted. of course, i am pressed for time, so i didn't have a lot of options. i bought it. but you try on an sample one, and they pull the colour/size you want. but they pulled the wrong one. so now i have to go back. and i am afraid they are going to argue with me. i don't need that in life. i bought 2 fox tails too. one hot pink and one white. i was sitting on the pink one, watching CSI, when i got up, the tail got caught under my hand. and ripped when i stood up.
why does life have to be so tedious? life isn't BAD. it's just so exhausting. maybe this is what old really means? i don't like it.
Fri 07 Nov 2008
9:59AM PST - my friend andreas is a bad blog influence
i am not very web video oriented. i enjoy real life stuff and contemplation for my blog. but andreas just keep sending me very profound things...like this video about coffee sizes. *note: at mcd's we were taught it was 'regular, medium and large'. if a customer said small, we were to confirm they meant regular. it is a marketing ploy. small has a bad connotation (wonder if that is still the case in this super-sized people world?). i found it annoying. since the regular size IS the smallest size, technically they were correct...
Tue 04 Nov 2008
4:40PM PST - fruitcakes in my state
our texas board of education is full of crazy people. several creationists and even those that think barack obama is going to enforce martial law (Freedoms Will Be At Risk Under President Obama') if he gets elected. all because this person doesn't think obama is a US citizen (does she know about mccain being born outside US soil?). anyhow, it is a crazy day. i am almost happy i am so busy with MEC, because it keeps my mind off the election. though i am excited by the possibility of this significant election, i wonder how the extreme factions in my country will react. that frightens me.
