Welcome to the chronicle of my hair, Heather's Hair.

my life moves too quickly.  this week i have had: my first week on the oncology floor, more cardiology lecture (13 classes of and TONS of actual meds), mgmt class, nerd night, applied for a job, in person, at St David’s, got an email about a healthcare software job and went to the gym.  it is all going by so quickly.  the job opportunities are especially awesome, but i don’t feel like i can catch up.  tomorrow i have a volunteer gig and a job fair, plus homework and boy toy (not complaining about boy toy).  so tired.  the whole, assuming you don’t fuck anything up short-term, you are going to be an actual nurse soon, seems to be sinking it.  it’s sort of scary and sounds like relief too.  i’ll have less things going on.  i’ll be busy.  but i won’t have 10 things to do.  may 8th.  check with me on may 8th.

my friend alec, who graduated from law school, posted on FB: “sounds like law school. there’s no answer to the self abuse question. just do what you can hour by hour, day to day. play the short game and you’ll get there. looking at all of the work at once will only achieve the void looking back into you. three months from now you’ll look back and wonder how you did it.”  i am trying to make this my mantra.  i still need to do some longterm planning, for instance i have accepted that i will be writing my research paper over spring break, the week before it is due but besides that, i am looking to what is due next week and stopping at that.  it has helped to calm me a bit.  getting the st david’s part-time job would reduce my stress a lot, though it would add a different kind of stress.  net less stress though.

well, i got my wish and my last med surg rotation is on the oncology floor.  i am pretty excited about this, while being freaked out by all i have to do this term.  we have started with cardiology, which is fascinating, but complicated.  the teacher has forgotten what it is like not to know the material, which is frustrating and makes lectures hard to follow.  but it IS all incredibly fascinating.  and i love that.

i applied for 3 student nurse positions at st david’s, in austin, this week.  i need to just get into a hospital setting more.  got turned down for one 12 hours later.  a classmate that works there is going to check into things for me this weekend.  it will make me feel just a little bit better to have a job.  so, even if i fail this semester, i would have some sort of income.

we have started OB.  and, man, do i just really never want to have kids! the misery of the end of pregnancy and birth. yuck! your tailbone can snap off, you are in pain all the time.  the first stage of labor you are basically practicing holding it in, while in horrible pain.  no thank-you.

i am still fearful i won’t pass  med surg this term.  remember people, i SQUEAKED by last term and this term is even more demanding.  i have starte breaking things down into itty bitty steps.  and i write down everything that needs to be done.  it is like i can’t member action items at all anymore.  i am hoping this is just a temporary nursing school thing. i certainly started to go down hill when i started nursing school.  maybe the vit D i have start taking will help.

i feel this tiny piece of thread coming up raveled inside.  i have no idea how to stop it.  i want to ask for help, but i don’t know who to ask or what to ask for.  how do you figure that out?

i was so busy during break.  and it wasn’t studying.  when break started, i thought i was going to be bored.  not so much.  i think i gained 5 pounds too (and not just because of all the polish food at grandma’s funeral…damn that was good polish food…)  but i am back in school now.  and WOW.  is this term going to be nutso.  seriously.  volunteer time, cardiology, neurology, professional group attendance, 2 days as charge nurse, clinicals, OB, research paper.  SO much to do.  i wish i had an assistant.  but this is the last term.  of course, one of our instructors informed us that there is no longer a nursing shortage in texas.  there is a shortage of EXPERIENCED nurses.  and seton, one of the largest groups in texas, has declared it will no longer hire ADN RNs as of 2014.  why does the world get harder minute-by-minute?

the latest KS was this weekend.  i had planned on being Emma Peele (it was a soy theme) but the leather catsuit i have looks more like a russian spy.  so i donned my russian military hat (they were selling EVERYTHING soviet for CHEAP in Hungary when i lived in europe) and went with russian spy.  i was quite clever too.  we had a traitor scene during the midnight entertainment and our traitor never saw it coming!  it was beautiful and awesome and i need to find more people to play with.

i need to write an advance directive.  this is a medical document that says what sort of medical treatments you want/don’t want if you are rendered incapacitated.  just saying.

i dated a bit over the break.  nothing was earth shattering.  i wonder if that is because i just didn’t meet anyone that i connected with, or if the stress of my life just leaves me unable to connect?  i am awfully tired.  i told my therapist this.  i said that i just don’t seem to be able to do everything i used to do.  i used to be able to look at a list of to-do items and put them in the most logical order without even trying.  now i can’t even remember all my action items.  it is discouraging and i don’t know if it is nursing school or age or what.  my therapist suggested that, as i wasn’t depressed (i didn’t express things in a depressed manner) that it might be nursing school or it might be physiological.  she then said she was on a Vit D kick, as she and a number of people she knows have recently discovered a deficiency, or at least really low level.  she started taking fish oil and 6 weeks later felt much better.  it would make sense that my Vit D was low.  i sit indoors and study all the time.  when i am out, i avoid the sun like it’s the plague (which it kinda is for skin).  i don’t drink milk.  so i am trying Vit D supplements.  we’ll see.

we talked about being positive today in class.  we talked about saying to ourselves that we can do it.  that we studied and we have done our best.  i just worry i am not studying right and i could do better.  but i am not sure how.  and i am not sure what resources to tap.  one of the freshman instructors said that she read all the chapters BEFORE the lecture, wrote questions she had as a result of the reading, then just listened during lecture, and went back to write up what she thought AFTER class.  seriously?  there aren’t enough hours in the day.  i am organized (or, well, not so much right now) but with ALL those pages to read!  how is there time!  but i want to do my best.  i am just not sure how.  which is just stupid.  i need to stop writing right now.  i am starting to upset myself.

shoes!

i woke up feeling really alone this morning.  not sure why.  i mean, i graduate in may and have all sorts of people rooting for me.  there all kinds of wonderful people in my life right now.  classmates and goth buddies and improv friends.  i have a wonderful lover.  and yet, i woke up feeling really alone.  i didn’t want to have lunch alone, but i couldn’t think of anyone to call.  the one person i did think of, was “cwampy” (my word).  cwampy sucks.  i felt bad for her.  in the past, this feeling would have caused me to panic.  it didn’t today.  i had things i needed to do, so i focused on those.  sold my bicycle and old bed frame (the princess bed is dead, long live the princess bed!).  went to my happy place (the container store) and target.  had chinese food.  when i used to feel like this, i would panic that no one valued me.  i know people love me, but that is abstract.  to value someone, in my mind, is to want to be with them.  i felt, if i had no one to call, then no one must value me.  weird logic, i agree.  this time the feeling just made me sad.  and it pushed me back towards the partner side of the “what type of intimate relationships do i want” conundrum.  i am uncomfortable thinking i want a partner so i don’t feel alone, but it feels deeper than that.  it isn’t just to avoid feeling alone.  it is to gain a bond.  to experience the positive feeling of connection.  i think now, i am just waiting to find someone who might be the right person, and to start down that path.  so though i felt alone this morning, it’s temporary and really not so bad.

at the new year’s party i attended, people talked a lot about hating 2011. i wasn’t sure i agreed.  i lost two people from my life in 2011 (not dead, just gone).  one is certainly more important than the other.  but they were both big loses regardless.  school was hell.  and yet, i feel like the year wasn’t so bad.  i moved forward.  i did amazing things (besides surviving nursing school).  i spent time with wonderful people.  life is life, things go up and down, get better and worse.  but i am still moving forward.  and it seems to me, that is the best possible outcome.  i was stressed and sad and scared many times.  but i kept moving and it feels good.  am i delusional?

i went to elysium for 80s night tonight.  i even rode my scooter (beauty, the black one).  it wasn’t very crowded.  with tomorrow being a holiday for so many people, i expected it to be packed.  but it seems people were still pooped from saturday night.  it felt good.  not quite enough new wave, for my taste, but i didn’t hear “men without hats” either.  it was nice to be on the dance floor.  i even met a gentleman who can really bust a move!  he has style too.  i also think he is probably young enough to be my child.  but it was a positive night.  even stopped at denny’s on the way home, just like old times.

terry gross interviewed trent reznor on fresh aire today. she played wish. tomorrow i am going to go to the gym and i am going to RUN. wish makes me run.

yes, it really is me.  perhaps i need to get lasik?

http://austin.craigslist.org/mis/2734551220.html

i don’t remember exactly what looks like, but i do remember thinking, “huh, he’s cute!”  hurrah!  and thanks to my flirting buddy polly for sending me the link!

i put air in my tires today. with run-flats a change in the barometer always causes low tire pressure.  which is really frustrating. when i got out to my car this morning i grimaced at the alarm.  in the past it has always meant that I had to find a nice tire plae that would put air in for me.  i found this frustrating. and a bit embarrassing. see, putting air in a tire makes me REALLY nervous. do car tires pop?  i have no idea but the idea freightens me.  today though, i faced my fear.  i stopped at the shell, on the way home from clinicals, and it took me $2.00 worth of quarters, but inflated my tires to 33psi like it says on the inside of my driver’s side door.  checked it with my electronic tire pressure gauge.  the rear were 0.5 high, so i let a bit out.  now, don’t laugh but i am very proud of myself. i just did it and it is all good now. yeah me!

i usually spend a lot of time writing my blogs.  i don’t have a lot of time these days.

thanksgiving was brilliant.  i spent way too much money on food, but the party was great.  very proud of how it went.  everyone enjoyed themselves.  not a lot of left-overs.  though i did get almost an entire pumpkin pie to myself.  i think i’ll make 2 more.

i am starting to rethink partner relationships.  the intimate relationships i have right now, feel very good.  perhaps i would be better off not having a partner, but having multiple close connections.  they don’t all even have to be fully sexual.  they could be more about holding or caressing.  of course, things are balanced for me right now (even with the not so hot grade % in med surg) and i don’t feel like i need more.  that could change any day though.  and who would i be able to go to?  can’t go to my mom.  can’t go to my best friend.  there are some people i think i could go to a little.  they would be able to help me in a bind, assuming it wasn’t a long commitment.  i think most people are willing to help you out, if it won’t take too much energy.  but what if i need something longer term?  i really don’t have anyone, and yet, i feel ok with that right now. am i delusional?  have i achieved enlightenment? (hee, her, that was a joke…i mean, i am still visible)  has the fall from grace i have experienced just given me a new patience?  am i delusional?  oh, i already asked that.  that is a bad sign, isn’t it?  i liked being married.  i just didn’t like the issues we couldn’t seem to resolve.  but maybe this whole partnership thing is foolish?  and yet, what about when i really need support?  and then again, is that all partners are for?  i mean, if i can get emotional connection and support from friends, do i just want a partner for those dire moments?  if my friendships are deep and satisfying, what is a partner for?  i do like the idea of “mine”.  but isn’t that fraught with peril?  what if something happens and they aren’t mine anymore?  i always had complete faith in my bond with patrick.  by that i mean, i was never afraid someone else would get in the way.  but will i feel like that with the next person?  is that just me or does it depend on the bond?  i feel jealousy, sure, i think that is natural, but to have it impacted my behavior?  will it be worse if i don’t have someone that is “mine”?  of course, this is all theoretical as i have no possible partners at this time. and it kinda feels like i won’t for a while.  i guess i am wondering how comfortable i should let myself get with the intimate relationships i do have right now.  hm.

i feel good and part of me thinks that is a mistake.  i guess we’ll know in a little less than 3 weeks.

really, best therapist ever!  today i contemplated why all of my long-term relationships started with me saying, “i don’t want to be in a relationship” and then i was in one and then it failed (i use that word to express it ended, but that decision was not mine).  is it because sabotaged the relationships by not committing to them to begin with?  or was i right, i shouldn’t have gotten into those relationships, and somehow i didn’t stick to my guns?  (which isn’t to say i didn’t get good things and wonderful memories from patrick and andreas, the fact still is, they ended and it wasn’t my idea)  am i a commitment phobe?  i don’t feel like i am.  of course, i do feel different now.  as i have said in previous posts, i am ready to have a relationship, something i have never said before.  and yet i have had them.  i am not sure which case it is, but i think figuring it out would be very informative.

we also discussed the idea of when to explain my motivation and when not to.  i prefer to explain to people WHY i did/thought/acted like i did.  i prefer other people do the same for me.  having someone, for instance, not show up to an event they had previously confirmed is very stressful to me.  i want to know why.  even if it is a bad reason.  but most people aren’t that way.  and, though it feels good to explain why i do/think/act a certain way, it doesn’t always help.  so i am trying to learn when not to do it.  it’s hard.

i am not going to chico for christmas!  hurrah!  too much trouble and too much studying i need to do.

tonight i gave a friend a massage.  it was an appropriate massage. and though i wouldn’t like giving free massages every week, they are fun to do sometimes.  there is this flow you get into.  it’s awesome.  not quite a runner’s high, but definitely a groove.  we started the evening by dissecting the world around us (one of my favorite pastimes) and then the massage.  it was very nearly a perfect evening, really. (my med summary being done would have made it perfect)

i am already behind on my studying.  i should have gotten through more of my pedi review by now.  there is a party saturday night.  my friend troy’s first party since his accident last december.  but finding myself behind like this means i might have to skip it.  applying for a student nurse position is also on my to-do list.  so many things i need to get done.  so little time until the NCLEX next may!

as expected, i failed my endocrine exam.  i am bummed.  i really studied and i felt like i got it.  i did make 3 dumb mistakes, which would have meant passing (barely).  i ran out of time on this exam.  it was tough.  harder than any of the other teachers.  i really like the instructor too.  i wanted to do well for her.  i am worried i will have to give up everything between now and finals to get through.  people are always surprised when i do poorly.  elizabeth, who sits next to me in lecture, said the nicest thing.  i was lamenting how i did.  she commented that i was smart.  i replied that i was obviously a moron if i was doing so poorly.  she said, “no, there is a difference between being smart and testing well.”  i thought that was a nice thing to say.

i took last week off.  i was terribly social.  and it was just great.  but it ends now.  now i go back to living for nursing school.  i know i can do this.  i really enjoy the info and what it means to understand all these things.  i just need to figure out a better way to study, considering i don’t memorize well at all.  it makes me sad though.  i enjoy this all so much and i am on the brink (my average is now 80%) of failing out entirely (you fail one class and it is over, which makes sense to me, honestly).  anyhow, i am going to work on my paperwork and then bake tonight.  baking will help.

OH!  i found my lunchpail.  or rather, the bldg maintenance chick, janette, did!  i asked her if there was a lost and found.  she said it was the secretaries office and asked what i lost.  i replied “my pink lunchpail with cupcakes and ponies on it”.  she laughed but said she would take a look.  and she found it!  hurrah!  something good happened today, at least.

at bookpeople!  where i am too! omg! squee! getting my nerd groupie on!

i really need to get better at this blogging thing…

kitten cuteness…the kitten covers. and whomever did this, has excellent taste in music.

think i failed my endocrine exam. which sucks, because i studied really hard. and i thought i understood it. and i really like the teacher. everyone was blown away though.  i am never alone in these things.  hopefully that means they will throw out a bunch of questions. why do i get 98s on pedi and 72s on med surg? i find med surg SO much more interesting.

my friends brooke and sarah both want me to use them as references for applying to a nurse tech position at st david’s here in austin. that was awesome.  and i shall do that on wednesday.  i am sacred about my future, but i am not freaking out.  i realize, a lot of you can’t imagine that i freak out.  but i do.  just inside my head. and occasionally to people VERY close to me.

i attend a movie in a friend’s backyard this weekend (with my luscious boy toy even!).  it was V for Vendetta. and, wow, is that movie relevant or what? ok, we aren’t quite at that totalitarian extreme, but every time they used the word “rendition”, i thought of bush’s, then obama’s, “extraordinary rendition”. i realize there are details that we don’t know. details we can’t know. and i know that there is a minimum level of security that i want from my government, that might entail doing some “bad” things. but are we slouching towards gomorrah? the movie is based in the UK but the US has found itself in a bad way. a way that sounds entirely possible:

Lewis Prothero: “Here was a country that had everything, absolutely everything. And now, 20 years later, is what? The world’s biggest leper colony. Why? Godlessness. Let me say that again… Godlessness. It wasn’t the war they started. It wasn’t the plague they created. It was Judgement. No one escapes their past. No one escapes Judgement.”

mind you, i don’t think god (or a lack thereof) is what is doing it to us. i think it is us doing it to us.  anyhow, it makes me think a lot about the occupy wall st people.  i would love to join them.  but i think the best thing i can do for society right now is finish my degree. and yet, are there other ways i can support them?  is what they are doing worth it?  i am afraid, if they finally give up (which they will have to as their resources are hardly infinite), it will only embolden the bankers and financiers that the american people were too apathetic to join them.  it will say we aren’t afraid of what corporate finance is doing to us and we are willing to take it.  i think that is a bad thing.  my friend, and boy toy, ross and i have been discussing this.  only the smartest boy toys for me (seriously, he is an econ major and wants to get a graduate degree in it.  how business/economy nerdy is that?!).  anyhow, our discussion has had me thinking deeply on the subject of how we effect change.

then, my friend troy posted an economist article (hmmm, there is that word-root again..econ…) that explained very well the debt rise and fall. repent at leisure. i don’t find it earth shattering, it is pretty basic finance and banking. but i also think it is put nicely. i guess the big question is…who is going to lose? creditors? the elderly, poor and unemployed? even i agree austerity is needed, but where? (i just hope i end up on the other side soon) the problem with the article though, it doesn’t suggest a solution. a friend of troy’s linked one of the RSA videos about WHY it all happened (a perspective, at least) crisis of capitalism (can’t figure out how to imbed it. the page on youtube doesn’t have the regular options in this case). and i like this even more (cause i have always been a ‘why’ person). at this point, for the rest of what i am going to say, you really need to watch the video… i agree with the guy. but i also think that his argument, a marxist one, is the same as putting together pieces of all the other “genres” (will make sense once you watch it). i think my bottom line is people are selfish. they will do what they have to in order to get more for themselves and their “loved ones”. that being the case, how do we level the playing field, assuming we can get everyone to agree that people living and dying in the streets after the ultimate marginalization is a bad thing? i don’t want to over regulate. is a tax on net worth, my friend troy’s idea, (minus retirement savings, since that is capped yearly and taxed when you take it out) appropriate? i wish that i cared so much about finance/banking/accounting/economics to have dedicated my life to finding a better way. but i just don’t feel that strongly about anything. which isn’t a bad thing. the world needs some middle ground people too. anyhow, here is our photo from watching the film…one of the guests printed out guy fawkes masks for us all!

types of goths

got 100% on my dosage exam!  got a 72% raw score on my med surg exam.  that is failing.  but the teacher threw out 5 questions, 3 of which i had gotten wrong, so i ended up with a 78%, which is passing.  kinda crazy, eh?  endocrine exam on monday.  that one is going to be tough.  very complicated system.  interesting though.

sex life.  great.

i finished my sewing from a pattern course tonight!  had to finish some things at home, but it is done!  it isn’t perfect.  one flaw in particular really bugs me.  but i am still very proud.  and more than that, i know how to alter the pattern and it will fit perfect next time! i will be waiting until thanksgiving to do that.  need to be school responsible. i am going to wear red shoes and a red tail with this dress.  very dorothy.

had a weird dream last week.  i was on the clinical floor and helping one of my clients.  and then it was 2pm and i realized that i had not seen any of my other clients yet.  no meals, meds or ADLs (activities of daily living).  freaked out a little.  went into the first room and the client and his wife were standing there, both in hospital gowns (?).  the client said, “so, you remembered us, eh?” then i can’t remember anything else.  but i thought that was a very strange dream.  i am turning into a nurse.  it’s kinda cool.  but i miss my superhero dreams!

it was a productive weekend.  but nothing out of the ordinary occurred.  i truly did my bit as mrs robinson (no, not our program director) on friday night.  it was satisfying as always.  since i have started having sex again, i find myself highly aroused a lot.  i don’t remember ever feeling like this before.  sure, i have always had a very strong libido, but down right arousal?  this feels new.  and while it is nice, it is also rather distracting.  i’ll give it a week or two and see what happens.  i may have to rearrange my week if this persists.

well, i guess that wasn’t really boring.

cat update: we let optimus prime and mos def out to see if the capo would follow them back in.  it worked, sort of.  he ran right back out. but it is a start.  we are going to put in a cat door later this week and perhaps that will do the trick.  i just worry about other cats coming in.  they certainly walk in through the open doors.

we get our med surg exam back tomorrow.  i am praying for a pass.  let you know tomorrow.

i put in my first catheter.  easy-peazy!  failed my med surg test (or at least that is a strong possibility, i won’t be alone though, most of the class felt that way) and aced my dosage exam (at least i better have, it was easy).  sewed my first princess seams.  upgraded my mac to lion.  yeah, now that i look back, it wasn’t that exciting.  more fruitful.  anyhow…still trying to catch the capo.  he has been out a week and a half now.  we let everyone run inside and out today.  mod def and optimus prime both went in and out.  capo is still AWOL.  god, i am boring myself here…going to sleep.  perhaps i will be more interesting tomorrow.

this is my first KS costume to make it to the regular world.  i plan on wearing this to all the halloween celebrations.